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| STANDARD AMD MINOR DRAMA. 

NO, 421. 



In a Spiders Web 



COMEDY 



WITH OAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND 
EXITS. RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PER FORM ERr 
ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND 
THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS : (ARE 
FULLY MARKED FROM THE MOST AP- 
PROVED AC'iTNC, COPY. 



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DRAMAS. 

Arthur Eustace, 25c 10 3 

Alter Ten Years. 7 5 

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Adventuress, The 8 6 

B\ Force of Love 8 3 

Bill Deti-ick 6 3 

Brae, the Poor House Girl... 4 4 

Broken Links. 8 4 

Beyond Pardon. 6 4 

Conn; or Love's Victory 9 3 

Clearing the Mists 5 3 

Claim Ninety-six (96) 25c... 8 S 

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Cricket on the Hearth. The. 6 t> 

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Daisy Garland's Fortune, 

25c 5 5 

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Dutch Jake 4 3 

East Lynne 8 6 

Emigrant's Daughter 8 3 

False Friend. The 6 1 

Fatal Blow, The 6 1 

Forty-Niners,The 10 4 

Fielding Manor 9 6 

Freeman Mill Strike, The... 7 1 

Factory Girl 6 3 

Gertie's Vindication 3 3 

Grandmother Hilde brand's 

Legacy, 25c 5 4 

Gyp, The Heiress, 25c 5 4 

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Handy Andy 10 3 

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Hazel Adams .5 3 

Hearts of Gold 5 3 

Hidden Treasures. 3 3 

Hidden Hand 15 7 

Josh Winchester, 25e 5 3 

.Toe, the Waif, 25c 5 3 

Kathleen Mavourneen ..12 A 

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Great Rebellion, 25c 10 5 

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Maud's Peril. 5 3 

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Midnight Mistake 6 2 

Millie, the Quadroon 6 5 



no. M. F. 

163 Miriam's Crime ....5 2 

34 Mistletoe Bough 7 3 

229 Mountebanks, The 6 2 

348 Mrs. Willis' Will... 5 

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355 Mv Parti, 25c « 5 

112 New Magdalen. The. 6 3 

298 New York Book Agent... 

237 Not Such a Fool as He 

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83 Out on the World 5 1 

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419 Our Jack 

278 Penu Hapgood 10 3 

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280 Pheelim O'Rookes' Curse... 8 3 

5 Ph\ lis, the Beggar Girl 6 3 

322 Raw Recruit, The 6 

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7i Reward ol Crime, The 5 3 

45 Rock Allen 5 4 

275 Simple Silas 6 3 

409 Southern Rose, A. 10 5 

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336 Squire's Daughter, The 

372 Sunlight, 25c 10 3 

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364 Trixie 6 3 

369 Taggs, the Waif, 25c. 6 4 

105 Through Snow and Sun- 
shine 6 4 

201 Ticket of Leave Man.. 9 3 

293 Tom Blossom H 4 

193 Toodles 4 2 

2(H) Uncle Tom's Cabin. 18 ; 

396 Uncle Jed's Fidelity. 7 3 

415 Under the American Flag 

25c 6 3 

25X1 Wild Mat) 5 3 

41 Won at Last '< 8 

192 Zion 7 4 

TEMPERANCE PLAYS. 

75 Adrift 6 4 

391 Among the Moonshiners 

73 At Last. 

187 Aunt Dinah's Pledge..: 6 3 

254 Dot: the Miner's Daughter 9 5 

202 Drunkard, The 13 5 

185 Drunkard's Warning 6 3 

189 Drunkard's Doom 15 5 

1H1 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 
ard's Life 10 4 

183 Fruits of the Wine Cup 6 3 

104 Lost 6 2 



In a Spider's Web. 



MUSICAL FARCE COMEDt 

IN THREE ACTS, 



SECOND COPY 
Od nmwl * 

mmwnsm 

Mr. and Mrs. C. F. Kinnam an? 18 l90Q 



— BY — 



Receivei 
QEC 8. 1900 

A Copycat mtrv 



Autltorxof •• An-ith ile Bough " "Fun Among de Clouds," "Blackface en- 
tertainments," "Tht Outcast," "Out of Bondage," "Lone Oa/c," £te. 



-TO WHICH IS ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARAC- 
TERS— ENTRANCES AND EXITS -RELATIVE POSITIONS 
OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE 
WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1900 by 

AMES* PUBLISHING CO., 
In the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



AMES' PUBLISHING CO. 



CLYDE, OHIO: 



rXA SPIDERS WEB. 
CA ST OF CIIA It AG TEH S. 

As played at Montrille Theatre, Toledo, 0. 

Michael McGinnis, M. P Mr. Frank Coghlin. 

T.oM'K. ( proprietor of hotel) ■ Mr. Clark Howe. 

Fly, {/tin colored porter) Mr. J as. La Roche. 

< ii irles, [hiit cleric) Mr. S. M. Bartlett. 

Henry, | A7</. the bell bop) Mr. Warren Kiunaman. 

A Do I. PO us Fitznoodle, (eery cl&oah) Mr. Claud Johnson. 

HANS VONDUDERBMNKE NSONHOPPENSTIN E-H, {from 

the clouds) Mr. John Rogers. 

SpojtT Spidek . Mr. Fred. Ryan. 

Mi-- Rebecca Jones', (from Vermont) Mrs. C. E. Kiunaman. 

Zok Tannkr, (in love) M iss Maine Scofield. 

Pet Tanner, (tlie romp) Miss liessie M urray. 

iliis. Sport Spider, (the flirt) Miss Frank Kiunaman. 

Miss Willard, (the vocalist) Miss Lillian Spies. 



.KH-k 



TIME— The present, 

PLACE — Any summer resort — Drop Inn. 

TIME OF PLAYING— 2 hours. 

Note:— Any specialty can be introduced in 3rd act. Miss Willard 
can be omitted and her part spoken by Zoe. Characters in fast act 
can dress in outing costume to suit their fancy. 

COSTUMES. 

McGinnis. — White plug hat, fancy shirt, large tie. plaid pants and 
vest, light coat and linen duster, red hair and sluggers. 

Tannkr. — Act 1st. and 2nd.; modern business suit. Act 3rd.; reel 
and black plaid coat and pants, outing shirt and belt. 

FLY. — Klack pants, white coat and apron. 

Charles.- Modern business suit, mustache. 

Kin — Act 1st. and 2nd.; boysmoderu knee suit. Act 3rd.; to repre- 
sent a .lew peddler. 

Adolphus. Dude costume. 

H >. \s. Very ragged. 

Simh;i. A.i 1st. and 2nd.; modern business suit. Act 3rd., full 

be;i r,.|. <>)i| clot lies. 

.Miss Junks. Regular down East old maid, very large hoops. The 
same in |;,.-u, act, only very extravagant. 

Zoe. Neal house dress. 

Pj Mod, n , house dress, short skirls. Jong while sack apron. 

Mrs. Spider.— Act 1st., traveling .suit. 'Act 2nd., fancy house 
dress. 



IN A SPIDER'S WEB, 



ACT I. 

SCENE. — Lawn— set hou se n., sign on house, "■Drop Tun"; table i,. c, 
chair* r. and t>. of table; ben eh down «., amall table and chair up i,. 

Enter Pet and Kid, t.., 3e.'— Pet leading Kid with rope around huneck\ 
he crying — business of choking — Pet holding an old delapidated doll 
by one foot. 

Pet. Come alone here, you broke my doll's head and I'm going la 
tell Gnardy on you. {business 

Kid. I— I— [didn't go to— 

Pet. Yes you did — you had no business to play injun and throw 
the hatchet at it. {shows doll 

Kid. All right Miss Pet, I know somethin' and I won't tell you, 
so I won't. 

Pet. What is it Henry? Please tell me. 

Kid. No sir! I won't do it! 

Pet. Oh! please tell me — I won't like you one bit. 

Kid. (laughs) Gee whiz! you don't like me no how— cause you'r 
all time teasing and tormenting me. 

Pet. {takes off rope) Oh ! Henry, I won't do so again— that's a good 
ootsie tootsie — please tell me. 

Kid. II I tell you, will you promise not to abuse me any more' 

Pet. Yep. 

Kid. Or you won't trip and throw me down stairs any more? 
(Pet nods) Nor steal my gum? 

Pet. Yep. 

Kid. Nor — nor— 

Pet. Yes — yes — only tell me. 

Kid. (look* around) No one here? Well, I didn't go to bed last 
night till late— I was sitting in the office talking to Fly — when - now 
guess what 1 seen ? 

Pet. Oh! I can't guess — tell me quick. 

Kid, [looks around) Well, about eleven o'clock we heard a racket 
out here on the lawn. 

Pet. What kind of a racket"/ 



4 IX A SPIDER'S WEB. 

Kid. It sounded like some one in distress, so Fly and I went out 
kheba'ck door aiid around the house, and Mien— we seen— 
Pet. (anxious) Yes— yes- seen what? 
Kid. Why, your (Jua'rdy and Lhe stage driver full as— 
Tanner, {in house, calls) Pet! Pet! 

(Kid and Pet hide back of house, quickly 

Enter Tanner, from house, in shirt sleeves, carrying pitcher of water. 

Wonder where the devil that girl .is? (calls in faint voire) Henry! 
(then drinks from pitcher) Don't know what makes me so thirsty this 
morning, it seems as if my throat was parched dry. (drinks, comes 
do, Kit to table) and my head (feels it) feels like a big empty barrel. 
(drinks) Can't just remember what happened— have a slight recol- 
lection of being some place last night, but can't see what makes me 
so thirsty? I know we had plenty to eat and drink. 

Enter Pet, from back of house. 

Pet. (comes forward) Say, Guardy, did you eat any blind robbins? 
Tan. Blind robbins, what's that? 
Pet. Why, dried herring. 

Enter Kid, from back of house. 

Kid. (conies down) Maybe cook put too much salt in your supper'? 
You know salt will make one thirsty. . 

Tan. (looks around) No sir! (drinks) T guess I know what [eat 
and when my food is too salty — [ am naturally thirsty — where is 
everybody this morning? Where's Zoe? 

Pet. She went to the village to get something for the cook. 

Tan. And where's Charles? 

Kid. He weiiL long with Zoe. 

Tan, (excited) He did, eh? I wonder if that's what T pay him 
for. See here, Henry, you go up to room 60 and get my coat and hat, 
and Pet, you go to your room and study your lesson. 

(Kid starts r., Pet at back, Tanner sits on bench k. and goes to sleep 

Pet. (aside) I guess not. (becons for Kid to come to her -aloud) 
Let's skip down to the lake? 

Kid. (attitude) Lead on, McDuff, 1 follow. 

(exit Pet and Kid, back of house 

Enter Fly, from house, slowly, has a card with figure tf(> on it. 

Fly. (ate.) Wonder whar all de folks am? Here il is nearly 
o'clock and none of de guests had break fasi yet. (laughs) By golly, 
Massa Tanner was ou! wif de boys lasl night, (laughs) You ought 
to see' d him when he corned home. He was trying to put some of 
de guests to bed, and dey was trying to put him to bed, and of all 
de mixed up mess you eber seen. Massa Tanner's room is Xo. 6(>, 
and in No. u!> do col. wed cook she sleeps— Massa Tanner must been 
slandin' on his head last night, for he was bound to go to room 99, 
said he guessed he could tell 99 from 66. (turns and discovers Tanner 
asleep on bench-, holding pitcher) By golly, dar he is now. (goes to him) 
Massa Tanner, de cook wants to set- you at once. 

Tan. She does, eh? (Fly laughs) Well, what you laughing at? 






IS A SPIDER S WEB. .. 5 

Fly. {lavyJi8) Massa Tanner, can you read? 

l'ii a. (surprised) Read? 

Fly. Yes. does you know all tie figures in de alpliabet? 

Tan. Well, do 1 look like a foot? Certainly 1 know all the figures, 

{<■ urnes c. 

Fly. (holds up curd with figure G6 on it) What number am dat? 

Tun. Why 99 to be sure. 

Fly. {Inverts card) What figure am dat? 

Tan. Sixty-six of course. 

Fly. Yes, now if I holds dat card so it reads OG, and you was 
standing on your head and looked at it, what would it be? 

Tan. Why 99. 

Fly. (laughs) Dat settles it. 

Tan. What are you laughing- at? (starts toioard FLY 

Fly. Guess you was standing upside down last night, cause when 
you come home, you was bound to go to room 99, said dat was your 
room. (In it y lis 

Tan. Why, that's the colored cook's room. 

Fly. I know it, but you said dat it was your room. 

Tan. (excited, starts for house) Bet L made a fool of myself. 

(exit into house 

Fly. (looks after him, laughs) By golly, I tell you.de governor 
don't know what to do. (yawns and stretches) Golly, L'se sleepy, I is. 
(goes to bench, lies down and soon sleeps —business ad. lib. 

Enter "Pet, from back of house, laughing. 

Pet. (comes down c.) Guess that will learn him a lesson. Henry 
is so stage struck, 

Enter Kid, from back of house, reading a book. 

and he is always reading — 

Kid. Shakespeare— Wm. Shakespeare, you know Willie, don't 
you? Why, he's the author of that noble hero, Romeo. 

(Ply awakes 

Pet. Romeo, who was she? (both come down c. 

Kid. Don't know Romeo! Why, he's the kid that loved Jule— 
Juliet was his sweetheart. Listen, (reads from book) "Juliet weep- 
ing, Oh! Romeo, where art thou?" 

Fly. (aside) Out here fast asleep. 

Kid. {reading and walking backward) "We like the heroes of old, 
must fall." {stumbles and falls on back 

Pet. (laughs and assists him up) Did Romeo fall ? 

Kid. (arises andlooks at book) Let's see, where was I? 

Pet. Why, the last place was on the ground. Oh! Henry, why 
don't you stop reading Shakespeare and learn a trade - .' 

Kid. What work — me work? (attitude) These Utile hands were 
never made to work. The throbs of ambit ion that beat within this 
noble heart, are not those of common labor. My name must be car- 
ried down in history with those, of other great men. 

Pet. 1 think if Guardy sees you, he'll put a period to your great 
ambition. (goes and looks in window 

Kid. Do I understand, Miss Impudence, that your parental an- 
cester would wipe me from the face of this terrestial globe — or in 



6 IN A SPIDER'S WEB. 

other words, slop my existence here? 

i'.t. (attitude) That's the idea exactly. (face to face 

Kid. All is well thai ends well— I ;i m now supposed to be extinct 
—see — "Oh! Juliet, I thought the day was near at hand when I could 
call you me own, but alas, the course of true love never did run 
smooth." Say Pel, do yon know we— that is I you said that— I 
said — T believe 1 — I was going to say — 

Pet. Well, say something. (grabs his arm 

Kid. I was thinking — that is — I wonder if your dad would ever 
become my tat her- in-law. 

Pet. Why, how could he be, he's dead. 

Kid. Very easy —you know I love my little Pet. (.starts toward her 

Pet. Don't mention it to Guardy, or he'll tire yon out. 

KM. (attitude) Ah! ha: absence makes the heart grow fonder- 
distance lends enchantment. 

Pet. Yes. but then we are too young. 

Kid. (on knees) Oh! listen, my own true love, I — (Fly snores 

'.' '- What's that? (they look around) I don't see anything. 

Pet. {discovers Fly) Look there— what's that? (points to Fly 

Kid. Othello fast asleep. 

Pet. Let's have some fun with him? 

Kid. tie! tjie rope Pet, and we'll bind the captive. (Pet gets rope 
and they tie Fly to bench) Alas poor Yorick, and hast thou to this 
complexion come at last. 

Pet. Put this stick on his lap. 

Kid places stick on Fly's lap — Pet on r. and Kid on l. of Fly— attitude 
— business of tickling Fly's nose, then hide behind bench. 

Fly. (asleep) Dem skeeters mighty bad around here — fellow can't 
never sleep. (Pet and Kid torment him, Fly awakes) Dog-on dem 
Hies! (goes to grab stick, discovers he is tied, Pet and Kid run out) 
Wonder who done dat? Bet $4.50 de governor done found me asleep 
and done gone tied me here, (try 8 to get loose) No use— now if de old 
man did not do dis and he comes here and see's me, dar's gwiue to 
be trouble sure, (looks around) Wish de kid was here 

Enter Pet, l. b. 

Pet. Why Fly, what's the matter? 

Fly. Nuffin', 1'se just resting my weary bones. 

Enter Kid, r. e. 

Kid. Pet, where is Fly? (sees Fly) Why Fly, what's the matter 
with you? 

Fly. Matter nuff. Did you see them robbers? 

Pet.' \ (* tanM ) What robbers? 

Fly. Come here I tole you. (both go to Fly, one on either side of 
Mm) You see, I came out here to see de govenor, when two big men 
came and pointed dere disolvers at me and told me to frow up my 
hands, den dey made me sit on dis bench, and den dev took dis rope 
and tied me up. and den dey put dal stick in my mouth, and den 



IN A SPIDE1VS WEB. 7 

dey told me if I opened my mouth, 'dey would kill me dead on de 
spot. 

Kid. Say, Fly, if that stick was in your mouth, how in the world 
did it gel down on your lap, when your hands were both tied? 

Fly. inside) 1 hit's so. {aloud) Well, you see, ruy bred" was so 
strong, dat ii broke de rope. {all laugh 

Kid. Say, Pet, that looks like our rope. 

Pet. Yes sir! the one I lead yon with. Give il to mo, Fly, 

Fly. How can I give it to you? Doesn't you sec my hands tied? 
You jist untie dis rope and you can have it. {untie Fly) Now 
come hero and I will show yon how dem robbers done. Heir Pet, 
you sit down on dis chair, and you Henry, sit down long side of her. 
Dat'sde way — now I bede robber, {ties them in chaw) Dat's de way. 
{yet* feather and torments them- business) Why ddn't you laugh'.' 

{work this up 

Pet. {crying) Fll tell Guardy on you — you nasty black thing you. 

Fly. {laughs) Who's black? {tickles Kid 

Kid. I want out of this. 

Fly. What for you tie me for? Fse gwine to leave you here till 
the old man comes, den look out for a squall. {start toward house 

Pet. I know something on you and Fll tell Guardy on you too, 
then he'll fire you away from here, 

Fly goes to Pet. whispers in her ear, she nods yes—Yin unties t hem— song 
and dance introduced by Kid, Pet and Fly, if desired -noise heard 
in house. 

Fly. Dare's de old man — eberybody scoot, {exeunt l. e. 

Enter Tanner, from house, r., followed by Zoe. 

Tan. No use talking, you must drop that clerk, {comes down c.) 
Fll see who's boss. My daughter marry a hotel clerk! Well, I guess 
not — you must marry a duke, a foreign duke, or the 

{exit Zoe., l. e., weeping 

i Enter Fitz, l. e., on a wheel. 

(Tanner sees Fitz, surprised) The devil! 

Fitz. {dismounts) Well I nevah! he takes me for Satin. Do I look 
like him? {to Tannek) Is the L. L. in? 

Tan. The L. L. ? 

Fitz. Yes, the Landlord. ( places wheel against bench 

Tan. {aside) Oh! my head, {aloud) Well yes. {sits at table with 
back to audience, calls) Fly! Fly! 

Enter Fly, from hoase. 

Fly. (sees Tanner asleep) Poor fellow, {laughs, sees Fitz) For 
de Lord's sake, what am dot. 

Fttz. {business with eye-glass) Ah! a servant perhaps. Porter! 
Porter! take my baggage, sir! 

(hands Fly a very small valice with shoulder strap 

Fly. Yes sir! first, second, third or fourth floor, single or double 
room, or bridal chamber? 

Fitz. First floor please. >-- 



S *" JV A SPIDER'S WEB. 

Fly. Yes, sir! (aside) Dat am de cellar, (aloud) Dis way, sir! 

(goes toward house 

Enter M its. Spider, from house, goes to l.— Fitz with glass, looking at 
BittS. SPIDEK as she routes to L., business of courtesy, etc. 

Mrs. Spider, (aside) Delightful isn't he— an easy catch. 

(goes to bench, turns and flirts with Fitz 
Fitz. (at house, aside) By George, dead mashed on me at once — 
deuced clevah girl, eh? (flirts 

Fly. (pulling at his coat) Dis way, sir! 

(goes in house and closes door on Friz's coat tail 
Fitz. (business with coat) Open the door! open the door, or I shall 
expire on the mat. (Mrs. Spider flirts with Fitz and exitc.R.) 
Caught at last— open the door I say. (Fly opens door 

Enter Fly, from house, and pushes Fitz in house— Fitz puts head out of 
door its Fly <■ loses door, catches Fitz's head between door and door 
frame — business ad lib. 

Fly. Guest No. 1. Wonder whar de old man is? (sees Tanner 
on chair) \Yell did you eber! dar he is, full as a boiled owl. and to- 
day de House opens for de guests, A mighty tine deeeptable dey'M 
hab. Now I'se got to getde old man out of dis. Here I got to be de 
landlord, porter, bell boy, cook and chambermaid, all for $1.50 a 
week, been here free weeks, got nuffiu' yet, but I'se habin' lot's of 
fun and going to hab more. (song by Fly 

Enter Pet, from house — goes to Fly. 

Say, sis. look at that chromo. (points to Tanner) Go and 'get a 
frame for it. 

P<t. No, let me fix him. Now Guardy, just hold still a little 
while and I'll pay you back for shutting me up in the attic. 'Fly, 
get me the ink bottle and the mucilage. (exit Fly, into house 

lie-enter Fly, from house, with ink and mucilage. 

1 told you I'd get even. (Tanner should hare a very bald //>///— Pet 
paints face of monkey on his bald icig, so that hair of wig forms the 
whiskers on monkey face) Henry says that it's a long road that has no 
tnrn — 

Enter Kid, l. e. &%f 

Kid. Yes, or a crooked rail that won't split straight. 

Fly. Dat looks like McGinn is. (looks at Tanner's head) Say, 
kid's, what we going to do wif it? (points to Tanner 

Kilt. Ha! ha! I've an idea— we'll introduce him to the hidden 
mysteries of the black art— we'll initiate him. Come on, let's give 
him the first degree, 'they put Tanner on all fours) Now Fly, "you 
be the Royal Bumper, and give it to him hard, then we'll skip. 

Fly ])lays part of goat and bumps Tanner in rear, then all run off in 

different directions — work this up — business at lib., but rush. 

Tan. (uirofrr*) Ob! my head— I must have fallen off that chair. 



IN A SPIDER'S WED. 9 

{wises, takes drink from pitcher) Oh! that's refreshing, hut my poor 
head— guess I'd better go to bed. (exit into house 

Enter Fly, L. e. 
Enter Charles, /re/// house. 

Charles. Fly, where's Mr. Tanner? 

Fly. Don't know Massa Charles, hain't "seed him for free — two 
hours. 

Chas. That's good. Fly, when he comes, let me know, (aside) 
1 will go and see Zoe and complete arrangements lor our marriage 
to-night. I'll teach the governor a lesson, (bell heard in hou**) K| v , 
there's a bell ringing, go and see what's wanted. 

Fly {e,v it into house) Yes, sir! 

(.'has. I got the governor drunk last night, and started him again 
this morning, and — 

Enter Zoe, from house, rushes to Charles. 

Zoe. Oh! dear Charles, I'm so nervous I don't know what to do. 
I am fearful of the act we are about to commit. 1 know papa will 
never forgive us. 

Chas. Have no fear, darling, the old man will relent In time 

Zoe. I can't believe so. You know papa's temper, and he has a 
will of his own. 

Chas. Oh! he'll be all right — have no fear. 

Zoe. Charles, don't you think you had better ask papa again? 
Here he comes now, I'll retire, and you can talk to him. 

(goes up l. and listens to conversation 

Enter Tanner, from house. 

Tan. Good-morning, Charles. 

Chas. (aside) Well, he's in a good humor, I guess, [crosses to r. 
aloud) Good-morning, Mr. Tanner. 

Enter Kid, from back of house. 

Henry, take this wheel to the baggage room. (Kid rides wheel off r. 

Tan. (sits at table) Charles, how many vacant rooms are they?" 

Chas. Seven, I think. 

Tan. That's good. I expect several guests on. the evening stage 

(Zoe motions to Charles 

Chas. (embarrassed) Mr. Tanner — I — that is — we — I mean — you 
know for a long time Zoe and I have — that is — she — you — I should 
say— 

Tan. Well, what are you talking aboul ? (Zoe makes gestures 

Chas. Well, I — don't know myself, but as I was saying— .why do 
you object to my — my — marrying Zoe? 

Tan. I have no objection at all to your marrying Zoe. (Zoe comes 
doicn to Charles, unseen by Tanner) * Hut I do object to Zoe marry- 
ing you. I have repeatedly told you that 1 would choose a husband 
for Zoe, (turns and sees her) and you. why will you aggravate me by 
entertaining this pauper, (to Charles) Begone! quit my sight! 

Chas. (crosses to r.) Not until my three months wages are paid 
me. 



10 IN A SPIDERS WEB. 

Enter Fly, from house, goes to bench and sleeps. 

Tan. (embarrassed) Eh! young man, lam sorry I cannot meet 
your demands, bill stay, you can remain, but don't let-me catch you 

talking- to Zoe again my child, go in the house, I will explain all. 

Entei'KlD, R. e., rending. 

KuJ. "A horse— a horse— my kingdom for a horse." (all turn to 
Kin) Did you see him'.' 

Oiunes. Who'.' 

Kid. MeGinnis. (Tanner dart* for Kid, who rushes off l. 

Ton. I'll discharge that boy before night. Come my girl. 

(exit Tanner and Yaw. into house 

('has. Well, this is tough. Now what -the governor has against 
me 1 don't know, but one thing is certain, I'll outwit him yet. Won- 
der where Fly is'.' (sees Fly asleep on bench) Well, did you ever! 
just us soon as that black rascal sits down, he falls asleep. 

(goes to Fly, slaps him on shoulder 

Fly. l"se here. 

('has. Yes, I see, asleep as usual. 

Ely. Who's asleep? 

('has. Why you was. 

Ely. Look a here, Massa Charles, I isn't done sleeped any for two 
weeks. 

Kid. (at c. e.) Is he here? 

ffi \ Who? 

( 'has. I 

Kid. MeGinnis. (runs across stage, laughing and exit l. e. 

Chas. You go to the post office right away quick — now hurry 
back, for the stage coach will soon be here. 

Ely. Yes. sir! {starts c, then turns djack) Is he coming? 
Chas Who? 
Fly. McGinnis. 

(rushes offc, laughing, Charles throws chair at him 
Kid. (in e.) Did you hit him? 
Chas. Who? 
Kid. McGinnis. 

(exit c. e., laughing. Charles, exits into house, excited 

Filter Fitz, from house. 

Fitz. Ah! I wonder where the charming creature is? By George, 
1 weally believe she is dead gone on me — weally fascinating by 
George— I shall make her acquaintance. I wonder where every body 
is? 

Enter Pet, c. e. 

(glasses to eye) Charming little creature, by George. Ah! my dear, 
do vou belong here? 

Pet. Well. I should smile. 

Fitz. Ah ! th — th — that's good, by George. May I ask your name? 

Pet. Well I should blush. 

Fitz. (laughs) Good again. Well, my dear, what is it? 

Pet. (looks at him from head to foot) Give it up, by George. 

(imitate Fitz 



IN A SPIDERS WEB. 11 

Fit-. I— T — mean my deah, what is your name? 
Pet. My name is- -aii —Pet— ah — 
Fitz. Charming, by George. 

Pet. Well sir. being you are so inquisitive, what is your name 
awd what are you? 

Enter Fly, c. e. 9> 

Fly. T just caged it — who let it out ? 

Fitz. Ab! porter, erase the country soil from my clothes. 
Fly. Yes, sir! {gets a shovel from back of house, exit Pkt, iwto /«y?/.*<? 
flfyfe. Alt! ha! what are you going to do with that agricultural 
implement? 

Fly. Cultivate de soil. {business 

Fitz. I — I mean dust my clothes — how •stupid. 

(exit Fly, into house 

Re-enter Fly, from house with small broom and brush. 

I wonder where she is, deucedly fine girl that, by George, (business 
of brushing "Fitz 1 's clothes, ad. lib.) Can you direct me to a tonsorial 
bazar? 

Fly. Teivitchity cigar? 

Fitz. Tonsorial bazar, or barber shop. 

Fly. Dar's none here — de one dat is here—moved away before he 
came. 

Fitz. Ah! then there is no place where I can get my hair dressed ? 

Fly. What you want, your hair dressed? Just you sit right down 
on dat chair! 

Fitz. Are you a tonsorial artist? (sits on chair 

Fly. Dai's what 1 am. (business) What you want, bobtail, four- 
in-hand or pompadour? 

Fitz. Pompadour. (business of arranging Fitz in chair 

Xotk: — Fitz should have wigof rather long hair to match his own. 
Natural hair should be cut pompadour, and wig should be made so 
that hair can be taken off in sections. Fly takes large shears and 
cuts hair off until Fitz appears in neat cut pompadour. 

Fly. Just as easy— shave or shampoo? 

Fitz. (feels his face) You can remove the superfluous hair from 
mv face. Be very careful of my mustache. 

Fly. (examines face with small telescope, which he gets from house) You 
better put a coaxer on dem. Powder? 

Fitz. A little Florida water first. 

Fly takes large syringe and throws water in Fitz's face, takes large bellows 
filled with flour and blows over Fitz's face — Fly rushes out as 

Entei' Mrs: Sfideu, from 7iouse — sees Fitz, laughs — Fitz e?nbarrassed. 

Mrs. S. Beg pardon for this intrusion. T was not aware any one 
was here. As it is rather lonesome, I thought 1 would stroll down 
to the beach. 

Fitz. (arises) Ah! with your permission it would afford me great 
pleasure. 

Mrs. S. Certainly, but (looks at his face) had you not better com- 



It IN A SriDEBS WEB. 

plete your fcoilel ? 

Fit-i. (embarrassed) Ah! T 'was so enraptured I— I forgot, with 
j^our permission I will retire lor the present into the house, but I shall 
return again — 1 said L would and so L will, 'pon my sacred honor. 

(exit into houst 

Mrs. 8. I will await you here, (flirts) How soli, but then he'll 
do to pass one's time away with until some one better arrives. 1 
came here to enjoy myself and I intend to have my fun. 

Enter Fitz, from house. 

Quite a transformation indeed. 

Fits, (offers arm) Ah! yes, at your service, my deah! 

(exeunt arm in arm, c. e. 

Eiiter Tanner, froiii house. 

Tin). Here it is time for the stage, coach, (Mstens, then goes to <;,r- 
ner of house, looks) Ah! here it comes now. (voice heard outside) 
Whoa! Ah! at last, — what — only one lonely female. 1 expected hall 
a dozenl at least, (calls) Fly! Fly! 

Enter Fly, l. e. 

Fly. Yes, sir! 

Ton. There's the coach, hustle now. (exit Fj,y. back of house \ 

Enter Miss Jones, from rear of house or c, with bird cage, pet do;:/, 

parrot, etc. 
(iood morning, Madam. (takes her vaUse 

Enter Fly. from rear of house, icith fifteen or twenty pasteboard boxes, 
and as he gets a, stumbles and falls— general business. 

Miss J. Young man be careful — what in the name of all that's 
good, do you mean by handling my baggage so roughly? iTannek 
and Fly gather (hem up, and as fast as they get thair arms full, make 
effort to pick u/> another, when all fall again — Miss Junks excited — busi- 
ness ad. lib.) Laud of goodness! did 1 ever! 

Tan. Nothing damaged, Madam — the accident was caused by the 
young man taking too big a load. Rest assured it shall not occur 
again. 

Miss J. (counts packages) Where is my trunk? 

Tan. (looks around) Fly, is there any more baggage outside? 

Fig. No sir! de trunk will be here on de next stage. Dar was no 
room for any more on dis load. 

Tan. All right. Madam, your trunk will be here soon. 

(exit into house with Home tf the baggage 

Miss J. (looks around) Well, if this is what they call a place of 
rest. I'd rather be back in Vermont. 

Fly. Wonder that's in dem boxes? 

Miss J. Young man. you shouldn't be so inquisitive about the 
affairs of an unprotected female. 

Enter Taxjxer, from house. 

Tan. Fly, show this lady to room 90. 



IN A SPIDER'S WEB. 13 

Miss J. Yes, the room is what T want. I've been yelled ;il by 
hack drivers, serenaded by policemen, jostled around by newsboys, 
elbowed by niggers ever since 1 left home, and I'm just all com- 
pletely all — all in a flutter. I don't feel as if I ever would leave 
home again to enjoy the glorious climate of the mountains. 

Tan. We shall make it very pleasant for you while here. Madam. 
(exit Miss Jones and Fly, into home. Miss Jones has difficulty in (let- 
ting in the door,, on account of her large hoop skirts— business ad. lib.) 
Well, this is encouraging for the first day. 

Kid. (at c. e.) Did you see him? 

Ton. See who? 

Kid. McGinnis. (rushes across stage, laughing 

Tan. (Jel out you young rascal, (exit Kid, c. is.-) I don't know* 
what to do with that boy. Guess I'd bet ter send him home to his 
parents for all the good he does here. 

Enter Fly, from house. 

Fly. Did you see him ? 

Tun. {threatening) Who? 

Fly. (laughs and atwris c, meets McGinnis) McGinnis. 

Enter McGinnis, c. e. 

McG. Och, sure and I'm here. 

Tan. (business of taking valise, etc.) That's all I hear from morn- 
inglill night, McGinnis here, McGinnis there — McGinnis — 

McQF. Sure and did they expect me so soon? Well, after a long 
and tedious ride, I got here. 

Tan. Fly, show this gentleman to room 75. (to McGinnis) Your 
name, please? 

McG. McGinnis, Michael O'Rafferty McGinnis, M. P.. from the 
13th ward. Now my colored member of congress, I'm ready for the 
room. 

Fly. See here, don't you mix me up wif our congress, it's black 
enough now. (exit into house 

Tan. There coming all right; I think by to-morrow the house will 
be full. (goes up l. 

McG. (at dooi*) Yes, if the house 'hain't full, I will be.' 

(exit into house, Pet heard outside laughing 

Enter Kid, c. e., limping and crying. 

Kid. I'll tell your dad now, just see if I don't. 

Enter Pet, c. e. 

Pet. Bah! what do I care, (catches him by car) Just you dare say 
one word. 

Tan. Here! here! what's all this trouble about? (comes down 

Pet. Oil! nothing, Guardy — oh! yes, there is too, we went down 
to the shore and Henry splashed water all over me and got my new 
dress all wet, and — (keep r. 

Kid. (attitude) Cease that prevaricating, my lady, or by — 

(crosses to r. 
'Tan. (to Km) Silence! (to Pet, takes her by ear, goes l.) Why 
can't you behave yourself — I'll — I'll — 



n rx a sriDMR's web, 

Pet break* loose, starts for house, followed by Tanner, Kid trips Tan- 
nek, who falls. 

Kid. {crying Oh! my leg. my leg! 

Tan. Shut up! {arises) Darn my buttons, if I don't have — 

Pet. Guardy, what, did you drop'.' (helllieard in house 

Tan. (looking for something to throw at her— to Kid) Well, why 
don't yon go in the house and see what that U>-\\ is ringing lor? 

Kid. Alas, my Lord, I know too well. (Pet, dancing, goes to ex- 
treiwL.) Look at her. (Pet pretends to cry 

Tan. (looks) I don't see nothing. 

Pet. Look at him and you'll see nothing. 

Tan. Henry, yon go down to the shed and get the wheelbarrow 
and rake and clean up this yard, (exit Kid. c. b.) and you young 
lady, what will I do with you? 1 guess I'll send you to a convent. 

Pet. 1 don't want to go, so I don't. 

Tan. I've got to do something — I can't have you play tomboy be- 
fore all the guests. No sir! you've got to go — 

Pet 1 won't go. 

Pet starts toward house, followed by Tanner, Pet goes in door, and as 
Tanner is about to enter, she closes door on his arm. 

Tan. (in pain) Pet, open that door — open that door, I say, or I'll 
—I'll— 

Pet. (inside) All right, Guardy, I'll open it if you won't hurt me. 

Tan. Yes — yes — only open the door. (Pet opens door; business, 
Tanner paces stage) Oh! if man ever had trouble, I have. I'll — I'll— 

(goes up c, then turns and looks at Pet 

Enter Kid, l. e., with wheelbarrow, runs barrow between Tanner's legs, 

he falls into barrow on his back, and Kid wheels him off a. e., Pet 
laughing — work this up and fast. 

Enter Zoe, from house. 

Zoe. Pet, what now? 

Pet. Oh! sister, you missed the fun. Come here, quick! see, 
there they go' (laughs 

Zoe. Why, what is it, Pet? (goes to her 

Pet. Oh! Henry is taking Guardy a ride for his health. 

Zoe. Something is wrong. See, papa has fallen out, of the wheel- 
barrow and is running after Henry. Here, they come this way. 

Enter Kid. r. e. , in a rush, followed by Tanner — Kid stops suddenly and 
Tannkk/W/* over him — Kid starts to run off , Tanner catches him 
and leads him down c. 

Tan. Now, young man, I'll settle accounts with you in short 
order. I'll send you home to your mother, then I'll find that lazy 
clerk and settle with him. (exit back of house. 

Zoe. Oh! Charles, 1 must warn him. (rushes toward house 

Enter Fly, from house, she throws him aside, lie falls. Pet laughs. 

Fly. De down fall of Africa. Dat's right, laugh. (gets up 

Pet. Why Fly, you're black in the face. 



IN A SPIDER'S WEB. 15 

Fly. Guess I knows it. I'se been black ever since I'se been born. 
Say, cook wants you to go down cellar and get flat pail of; jelly. 

Pet. (coaxingly) Come with me, will you? I'm afraid logo down 
in that dark place alone. 

Fly. Oh! go 'long wid you— stood up like a man. don'l be afraid. 

Pet. No! I'll be brave like a woman — come on, follow me. 

Fly. Den here I goes. (exeunt into house. 

Enter Charles, c. e. 

Ohas. I wonder where Zoe is? {looks around 

Enter ZoK,from house. 

Zoe. Oh! dear Charles, (rush ex to him) Thank heaven! you are 
alive. 

Ghivs. Well I don't look like a corpse, do T? 

Zoe. Father is in one of his tantrums again, and is going to dis- 
charge you. Come, quick! (noise heard in house) Oil! there he 
comes now — come quick! 

G/tas. Xo, I'll stand up and face him like a man. 

Zoe. Oh! dear Charles, come — (pulls him off l. 

Entei' Pet, from back of house, with pail of jelly — sticks fingers in jelly and 

licks them. 

Pet. What a snap, (laughs) and poor Fly, when he got on top of 
the flour barrel to get this pail from the shelf, the head of the barrel 
gave away and down went poor Fly into the barrel. 

Enter Fly, from back of house, all covered with flour — Pet laughs. 

Fly. Dat's right, laugh — heaps of fun falling in de flour barrel. 
(Pkt laughs and licks jelly) What for you stick your finger in dat 
jelly for? Give me some or I'll tell de cook. 

Pet. Yum — yum — I guess not! (voice inside house, ealls) Pet! Pet! 

Fly. Dar's cook calling you now — look out! 

Pet. (exit iyito house, laughing) I'll tell cook you done it. 

Fly. Hello! here comes Massa Charles and Miss Zoe. Dey's dead 
gone on each other. I'll bet dey's had a racket wif de governor. 

(goes up t,. 

Enter Charles and Zoe, l. e., arm in arm. 

('has. Well, I suppose its all up with us now. Your father's out 
of humor to-day, and I think he's seeing how contrary he can be. 

Zoe. Charles, papa says he is going to send Pet and I to a con- 
vent, and discharge you. 

('has. What does he want to send you away for 9 

Zoe. I don't know, only he said, the next thing he would hear of, 
would be a secret marriage between you and me. 

Ohas. By jove! that's a pointer. Let's act upon it immediately, 
we can be married to-night yet. {puts arm around her 

Fly. (((side, sings) "Put your arms around me honey, even if you 
have no money, we'll get married just de same." (comes dawn c. 

Ohas. See here, you black rascal, have you been eavesdropping? 
Get out of this— come! move! 



Fly. (attitude) No, I've not been eavesdropping, but 1 dropped in 
de Hour barrel, and den I dropped in here just in de nick of lime. 
Now dt'ii, Massa Tjanner told me to watch you and not iet you know 
anything about it. so here 1 is, and where yon go; I go too -see! 

elms. What! are we to be watched like thieves'.' Fly, listen, how 
would you like to earn $5.00".' 

(Fly drop* on .stage as if dead, Zoe and Charles rush to him 

Zoe. Oh! Charles, the shock lias killed him. 

Fly. Five dollars! Say dat again, Massa Charles. (vines 

('has. 1 mean what I say. Now if you will assist us, I will give 
you $5.00 before morning. 

Fly. Oh! Massa Charles, is you trying to tempi me? 

Ohas. No, I mean what I say. 

Fly. Five dollars. (repeat several times, business ad. lib. 

Okas. Listen then, to-night at 11 o'clock, or after the guests have 
all retired, you must rush through the house yelling lire at the top 
of your voice, ring the bells, anything to arouse the guests. I will 
■have everything ready, and while all is excitement, Zoe and 1 will 
get married — 

Enter Pet, from back of house, and hears last sentence. 

Pet. Who's going to get married? 

Zoe. You too can assist us, Pet. (goes to her 

Pet. I'm going to tell Guardy. (starts toward hou.se 

Fly. (gets between her and Jiouse, wJien Pet turn.s to go to hou.se, .sees 
FliY, sdta/ms <(nd runs back, followed by Fr,\\ who catches her and brings 
her down c.) 1 guess not! I'se getting $5.00 for dis job, and you don't 
stick your finger in dis like you did in de jelly. (Pet attempt* ty 
scream. Fly puts hand over her mouth) Now, you keep dat inouf shut 
and you gel some of de $5.00— see! 

Pet. (kicks, bites and scratches) No sip* I won't — I won't — I'll tell 
—I'll— 

Fly. Shut up! (puts hand over her mouth, she bites it — business 

Zoe. Pet, unless you assist and I get married, you know both of 
us go to the convent. 

Pet. Your right, cousin, I'll help you. 

(Jhas. Then do as Fly says, and before midnight — 

Fly. I'll get my head knocked off my body. (noise outside 

Chas. There he comes now, all get. (exeunt back of house 

Enter Tanner and McGinnis, from house, go to table— Tanner l. of 
table and McGinnis r. 

McO. Och sure, Mr. Tanner, I'm delighted with the place. You 
see I was appointed a committee of one to choose a place for my 
political friends to bold a convention, and of course we want some 
quiet place w here — 

Tan. There is nothing to disturb you. 

McG. That's it, the idea exactly — 

Tan. But McGinnis, I see you have become greatly attached to 
the place already. There seems to be quite an attraction— eh— some- 
thing about the house — or in the house — or — that is — 

(laughs, pokes McGinnis in ribs 

McQ. Hold on Tanner, you'r speaking of — 



IN A SPIT) EKS WEB. 17 

Tan, Yes. of Miss— Miss Jones. (laughs 

McG. Stop right there, that was only a quiet little flirt— 
Tan. Yes— I see— I see— (laughs 

McG. Say no more about it— call for a bottle of wine. 

(both laugh 

Tan. (calls) Fly! Fly! 

Enter Fly, from house. 

Fly. Yes, sir! 

Tan. Bring me a bottle of — 

Fly. Beer? 

Tan. No-no- extra dry. Wt Fr.Y. rnto house 

McG. Yes, I'm double extra dry— you see the weather is extremely 
hot, and — 

Enter Pet, from back of house, backward,, jumping rope. 
I don't think a small drop now and then is— is— that is— 

Pet with back still to Tanner and McGinnis, in jumping rope, throws it 
over McGinnis' head and jerks him off of chair. 

Enter Fly, from house, with bottle and glasses on tray, she turns and upon 
discovering what she has done, throws rope over her head and catches 
Fly, who falls flat— business— Tanner rushes after Pet, who runs 
around and under table— -Fly jumps up, gets the bottle and pours con- 
tents down McGinnis' throat— work this fast. 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 



SCENE. — Office in hotel— doors r. and i,. f office furniture, desk, for reg- 
ister, about eight feet long, r., chairs, etc. 

Enter Pet, c. e. , laughing. 

Pet Guess McGinnis won't torment me any more. I wish Henry 
was here. I'm so lonesome. (introduce song or dance 

Enter Tanner, c. e. , excited. 

Tan. You vixen, you stop that noise, or, I'll wring your neck. 
Where do you learn those vulgar doggerells? 

Pet (dancing) Make 'em up, Guardy, every one of 'em— 'ain't I 
a genius? (dances around 

Tan. I don't believe it, you scapegrace. (goes behind desk 

Pet. No wonder you don't, seeing there never was a genius in 
your family before I came, but better late than never— eh— Guardy ? 

Tan. None of your impertinence, Miss. Come here, give an ac- 
count of your conduct, please— where were you yesterday afternoon 
—answer me that? 

Pet. Nowhere, sir! (comes slowly to desk, opposite Tanner 

Tan. Don't tell me that, don't tell stories you little sinner— where 
is nowhere, eh? 



18 IX A SPIDER'S WEB. 

Pet. Over to Henry's bouse, across the lake. 

Tan. What business had you there? Didn't I tell you not to go? 

Pet. 1 know it, Guardy, and that's the reason I went. 

Tan. Because I forbade you, eh? 

Writer McGinnis, t,. e., goes to chair. 

Pet. Yes. sir! 

Ton. You— you— you— disobedient little hussy, aren't, you 
ashamed? 

Pet. Ashamed! what of? I wasn't full yesterdays {aside) That's 
a rub. 

McGinnis laughs violently. whbJi he endeavors to change to a cough, when 
Pet rushes over to him and pounds hint on the back. 

Tan. Tell me why you went over there? 

Pet. Well, sir! I went oyer with— 

Tan. With who? 

Pet. With— ahem— Henry. 

Tan. You did, eh? Humph— humph— 

Pet. Don't grieve, Guardy, it might settle in your head. 

Tan. And may I ask why you went with him? 

Pet. Ah! {long sigh) you know, Guardy, he's my beau. 

Tan. Your beau — your beau— your beau! 

Pet. Yes, of course — we are engaged — we are — 

Tan. Oh, Jupiter! (comes down to Put) Pray, Madam, for such 
yon consider youself. when will you be fifteen years old? 

Pet. Oil! soon as I can — I don't want to be an old maid like Miss 
Jones, (turns and pinches McGinnis in side) Eh ? 

(McGinnis embarrassed 

Tan. So it seems— you will-o'-the wisp— and now please inform 
us how the engagement took place. 

Pet. With pleasure. Y T ou see, Guardy, we were over to the hills 
gathering grapes one day, and we had a splendiferous time and says 
1, "Henry, ain't this nice?" and says he '"yes," and says I, "wouldn't 
it be nice if we would get married?" and says he, "yes," and says I, 
"will you have me?" and says he, "yes," and says I— 

Tan. {interrupting her) Ain't we a precious pair of fools— and 
says he (rnimicing her) "yes" — Oh! you'r a nice girl, you are. 

(goes back of desk 

Pet. Yes, ain't T now, and as Henry says, when he plays theatre, 
"Two souls with but a single thought — two hearts that beat as one." 
Ain't yon proud of me, (attitude) Guardy? 

Tan. Proud of you, (comes doicn again) you barefaced little wretch 
— I'll twist your neck for you yet! 

Pet. {runs aroundii. of table) Better not, Guardy, you'll be hanged 
for manslaughter if you do. 

McG. Sure and you don't call yourself a man ? 

Pet. Well, if L don't— I'm a girl and that's a thousand times nicer 
than old Miss Jones. (McGinnis rushes off c. k., Pet laughing 

Tan. Well. I'll see Henry about this. 

Pet. You dare not, touch him — if you do. I'll — 
• Tan. You— what could a Tom Thumb in petticoats do? 

Pet. Look out, Guardy, don't call a lady names. What could I 
do? It takes me to defend injured innocence. (attitude ef defence 



IN A SPIDERS WEB. 19 

Tan. I can't countenance these proceedings. If you choose to 
make a tool of yourself, it's no reason why I should. 

I'et None in the world, Guardy— nature has saved you the 
trouble. {goes toward c. k. 

Tan. {starts for her) You little demon, what do you mean 7 

Pet (ohem) 1 was just observing, sir!— that— that— there comes 
the stage coach. (laughs and exits c K. 

Tan. {looks off l.) Yes, there it comes, {calls) Fly! Fly! 

Enter Fly, r. e. 

Come Fly, hustle now, here comes the stage coach. I expect several 
guests on this coach, {voice heard outside) Whoa! {door opens l. 

Enter Sport Spider, l. e.— business of shaking hands by Tanner and 

Spider. 

Fly, show this man to room 204. Hurry up now, move lively. 

Tanner goes to desk, Fly grabs Spider by coat collar and seat of pants, 
rushes him to c. E., then comes back, grabs valise, throws it out c. e., 
crash outside, as Spider puts head in at c. e.— business. 

Fly. {turns to Tanner) Now what? ' 

Tan. {excited) Go out and get those trunks, {exit Fly, l. e.) Oh ! 
that rascal will drive me frantic yet. 

{noise outside, Tanner goes to l. e., looks out 
Fly. {outside) What for you drop dat trunk on me? 
Tan. Oh! such awkwardness. 

Enter Fly, l. e., sloicly, with trunk on shoulder. 

Why don't you be more spry? Come here, {leads him down) Now 
listen to me young man— I am disgusted with your actions— yon will 
do different, or I'll discharge you at once. Now hereafter when [ 
call you, drop everything and listen to me. Do you understand ? 
Fly. Yes, sir! • .» 

Tan. Now take that trunk to Miss Jones' room— (Fly starts to go 

out v. e.) and F*ly— . . 

(Fly drops tfrw-wfc and tote of female wearing apparellfall out of trunk 

Tan. Oh! my, that will cost you a year's wages. 

Fly. Look a 'here, {comes down) Massa Tanner, you done told me 
to drop everything when you called— dat's what I done. 

Tan. Yes, but I didn't mean for you to break up everything— 1 11 
get this trunk out of here so it can be repaired at once. 

Tanner grabs up clothes and puts them in trunk and takes it off it. e., 
Fly in c. e., laughing. 

Enter Mrs. Spider, r. e. 

Mrs S No one here, {sees Fly) Ah! just the one to help me. 
I just met my husband in the hallway up stairs— I am sure it was 
him. Would you do me a favor? 

Fly. Dat's what I would. {comes down c. 

Mrs. 8. Can you keep a secret? ^' . . 

Fly. Dat's owing to de kind, (aside) Another elopement 1 bet. 



g IN A SPIDER'S WEB, 

Mrs. S. If yon was to get paid for it— how then? 

Fly. Now vou'se talking. 

Mrs. 8. Then listen— there's a man in 204 who has insulted me. 
I want your assistance. 

Fly. Onlv say de word, I'se yours. 

Mrs. S. Well, if you hear my bell ring very rapidly, you rush in, 
grab the man and fire him out, will you? 

Fly. Dat's what I will. (bell heard, exit Fly, r. e. 

Mrs. S. So Mr. Spider, this is the way you go on a hunting trip 
with a lot of friends. Perhaps he is here with some one— I'll keep 
an eye on him. 

Enter Fitznoodle, l. e. 

Fitz. Ah! my dear, I've been looking the grounds over for you— 
you don't know how lonesome it is without you. 

Mrs. S. You natter me, Mr. Fitznoodle. 

Fitz. No flattery, I assure you — you adorable creature — 

Mrs. S. Mr. Fitznoodle, my husband is here, he arrived to-day, 
and now occupies room 204. He is not aware that I am here, or that 
1 know he is here. You must be very careful, or we will get caught, 
for he is of a very jealous nature and might kill you. 

Fttz. (frightened) Perhaps we had better get out of this." (offers 
arm) I wouldn't be caught for the earth. (as they exit l. e. 

Enter Mr. Spider, c. e., in time to see them. 

Mr. S. (looks after them) So this is the way you visit dear papa 
and mamma, eh? I'll just keep an eye on you for awhile. I'll dis- 
guise myself so that she won't know me, and as for that dude, I'll 
break every bone in his body, (imitating Fitz) You'll wetire for the 
presant. Well, I'll just retire to her room in advance. (exit c. e. 

Ente)' McGinnis, r. e., in shirt sleeves, slippers on, susptenders down, car- 
rying pitcher — looks around. 

McO. No one here as usual. ( puts pitcher on desk, looks at registefr, 
reads) "Jno. Tanner, Michael McGinnis, M. P." (looks up) Ah! 
there's a name any man should be proud of, and the owner of it is a 
man — 

Enter Pet, l. e., with lighted lamp, which she places on desk. 

, Pet. Why, are you a man? 

McG. Sure I'm not a woman. 

Pet. (c.) Say. McGinnis, your kinder sweet on Miss Jones, ain't 
you ? (sits on table 

McO. Well, my little Miss — you — Becky — that is, Miss Jones is 
now in the prime of life, she is young, rich, accomplished and hand- 
some — 

Pet. What! handsome? 

McG. Yes, nature has favored her with a pair of sparkling eyes, 
rosy cheeks and a form that would put to shame — 

Pet. {Jumps down from table) The feminine sex. Well, I wish you 
success, McGinnis, (starts r.) Good-night! Ta! ta! 
- . _, {rushes out r. b, 



WA SPIDER'S WEB. 21 

McO. Well, I suppose I'll have to get the water myself. 

{exit c. E. 

Enter Fly. r. e. 

Fly. I'se struck a gold mine sure — first I help Massa Charles 
and Miss Zoe to elope, den I keep an eye on dis man, and when I 
hear de bells ring-, rush up stairs and throw him out. (roll* up sleeves) 
Bet $4.50 someone gets hurt, but I said I'd do it. (bell rings rapidly) 
Dar it goes now. 

Mushes out c. e., noise of scuffling , with an effort Fly throws Spider in 
at c. e. then Fly rushes out l. 

Mr. S. I'll murder that black rascal before night. 

Spider starts to doorh., when Fly opens door, knocks him down— Fly 
rushes across stage and exit r. e. as Spider exits c. •B.—work this up 
and rush it. 

Re-enter Fly, r. e. 

Fly. (comes down) Dat's what I call hustling for $1.50 a week. 
Now if I could only get hold of dat old maid, I'd do de same to her. 
(stage darkens) By golly, 1 forgot I'se to holler fire as soon as it got 
dark. Den^here goes: Fire! fire! help! help! murder! Massa 
Tanner, de house am on fire! 

(business of rushing through house, ringing bell 

Enter Tanner, r., 1 E., followed by Fly. 

Tan. What's this! the house on fire? Fly. run up stairs and 
arouse the guests. (exit Fly, c. k.. ringing bell 

Enter McGinnis, r. e., in night shirt, clothes and grip in hand. 

Miss J. (in c. E. in night clothes) Save me! save me! 
McO. (drops grip) Holly St Patrick, there's me chance — I'm 
coming my darling to thee. 

(rushes to Miss Jones as she faints in his arms 

Enter Pet, l. e. — rushes in. 

Pet. It's all out, Guardy. 

Tan. Where is Charles? 

Pet. Skipped! 

Tan. Skipped! Where's Zoe? 

Pet. Ditto. 

Tan. I see it all — I've been a fool and this is a put up job— I am 
a fool and they — 

Enter Zoe and Charles, c. e. 

Zoe. During the fire we improved the opportunity and were 
married. 

McO. This is the longest faint I ever seen. Come, my darling, 
arouse thee. 



Si IN A SPIDERS WEB. 

Enter Fly, c. e. 

Miss J. (look* around) Where am I? 

McO. Yun'r under the protect ion of Michael McGinnis, M. P. 
Fly. Dey looks like two fairies. 
McG. Is the fire out? 

Zoe. Y» 4 s. the tire is out and no harm done, and now papa dear, 
you'll forgive us, I know. 

McGrlNNlS motions to Fly to come to him and whispers in his ear. Fly 
goes and yets large cloak and overcoat (tad aires them to McGinnis, he 
pats cloak around Miss Jones and puts overcoat over himself —both 
come down v. 

Fly. Of course, distend de right hand of fellowship. 

Tan. (extends hand to Charles) Bless you my children, and may 
you live long and prosper. 

Zoe. And now, papa, as all is forgiven, won't you invite all the 
guests to an outing on the lake to-morrow, in honor of our marriage? 

Pet. That's the stuff — a pic inc. 

Ian. All right, notify all the guests to be ready at 10 o'clock to- 
morrow, sharp, and Charles, you get a good big boat. 

Pet. And I'll tell cook to get lot's of grub ready. 

Fly. Dat's de idea, something to eat. 

Aliform circle and sing, "Love comes like a summer sigh," from Opera of 
Little Tycoon. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

SCENE. — Picnic ground near the Lake—tent it , bench l., long table set, 
with camp chairs around it— fog horn heard, also singiag. 

Fly. {arranging table) Here dey come, as merry as bungle bees. 

Enter Charles, Zoe, Mrs. Spider, Tanner «/^Miss AVillard, r. e. 

Chas. There my dear wife, I think this an elegant place for an, 
outing. 

Zoe. Yes, indeed. 

Mrs. S. (looks around) Oh! how delight fnl! If we don't enjoy 
ourselves, we alone are to blame, (goes to Fly) Fly, mind what I 
told you, keep an eye open, and if you see that man come here, don't 
fail to let me know. 

Fly. All right, Misses, I'se your right hand stand by. Here comes 
de dude. 

Enter Fitznoodle, l. e., on wheel. 

Fitz. Ah! people, I just arrived, had a glorious ride over the hills. 
(sees Mrs. Spider) Ah! my dear — do I look fatigued — weally I don't 
feel so — Fly, take my wheel, please. 

Fly. Yes, sirl 



IN A SriDER'S WEB. 23 

(Fly rides wheel off u. e., Mhs. Sr»n>Ki! and Fit/, go to seat \„ u. e. 

Filz. Yes, my dear, just the idea, and my dear, don't you know I 
could enjoy myself any place so long as you ,vere around. 

Mrs. ;&'• I'm afraid you Hatter. 

Fits. Ah! by George, no tongue could Mattel- you— you are an 
ideal woinau. just such a one as my dreams have been of. just such 
a one as thrills my very soul with delight, {takes her hand) one who 
the very angels adore, and if 1 could only call you mine, I should 
then be ready to die — 

Mrs. S. (takes her hand away) So I'm not worth living for? 

(rises 

Fttz. (on knees) Ah! my dear. I did not mean that— T — I — 1 —only 
listen to me— say you will be — (all turn and laugh, Frrz embarrassed, 
rises and brushes knees of pants) That horrid bench. Did you notice 
m e f al I ? 

Zoe. Yes, you took quite a drop. 

Enter Fly, r. e., big bandage on head, arm in sling, bandage on leg, 

limping. 

Ontnes. What's the matterj 

Fly. Matter 'miff. I took dat wheel out dar and when T wanted 
to slop, de old fing started right down dehill and nebber slopped till 
1 hit dat big tree at de foot of de hill, den I stopped, but de wheel 
vve.ul on, and de last 1 seed of it, it was goin for de lake a thousand 
miles an hour. 

Fttz. Oh! my poor wheelf 

Fly. Oh! my poor head. 

Ohas. Fly, how about that dinner? 

Fly. Dat's all right, ready to sit down and eat. 

Chas. Then come friends, let's eat and be merry, (all sit at table 

Tan. Well, let's drink health to the bride and groom. 

(Fly serves wine, all drink— noise of something falling out l. 

Fitter Hans, l. e., clothed in rags, etc., all jump up and scream — Fly on 
knees, praying, Fitz hides behind Mrs. Spider. 

Zoe. Oh, how frightened I am. 

Chas. (looks up) Why, the poor fellow has met with an accident. 
(to Hans) My friend, who are you? 

Hans. Yell I don't know who I am — ven I left home, my name 
was Hans. 

Chas. Hans who? 

J/t/ns. Vy, Hens Vondunderblinkenvonhoppenstiner. 

Tan. How came you in this plight. 

Hans. Veil, 1 was oud mit der field working, ven I feels some- 
dinks catch me py mine pants behint, den a man in der balloon 
hallowed at me to grab a root. Now how I vas to grab a root, when 
1 vas in de* dree tops, 1 don't know. 

Chas. Well, go change your clothes, then come here and we'll see 
what we can do for you. 

Hans. All right, mine friends. (exit into tent, it. 

Chas. Now, as our dinner has been spoiled, let's clear away the 
things and enjoy ourselves at something, (all assist in clearing stage, 
Mrs. Spider and Fitz go to bench and engage in conversation) Miss 



*U IN A SPIDER'S WEB. 

Willard, won't you favor us with a song? 

(song or specialty introduced by Miss Willard 
Zoe. (looks off-L.) Well, if there don't come Pet aud McGinnis. 

Enter McGinnis, l. e. , with Pet in baby cab. 

Pet. You— you— you— thought you was smart by going away and 
leaving me at home. 

Tan. Well, we thought we could have one day's peace. 

Zoe. 1 suppose the next thing primpy Miss Jones will be coming 
along. 

McG. Och! it's mesilf that's after being late getting here— sure 
and L couldn't be here until I got here, and I couldn't get here till I 
wus here— bad cess to me laziness, but a slight accident delayed me. 

nines. Accident! 

McG. Yes, of course. Does ye see this new suit of clothes. Bad 
luck to the tailor — if he didn't shave from the cloth and add to me 
bill — quinsequently when I put it on, it fit like a No. H foot in a No. 
5 shoe. I went to pay the man and I dropped a $50.00, I mean a 
$5.00 bill, and as I stooped to pick it up, rip— whiz! bang! went the 
stitches. "What is that?" says I— "only a slight rip" says he— "tar 
and feathers" says I — "stand still" says he, "and I'll fix you up." 
There I stood for three solid hours like a cigar sign, and every man 
that came along, would hold his pipe to my nose to get a light — then 
the tailor took an immersion — and — 

Chas. You mean an insertion — 

McG. Yes, I guess so — then the dirty spalpeen charged me $2.50 
more. 

Chas. Why, what was that for? 

McG. For the insertion to be sure. - 

McGinnis turns back to audience, shows piece of cloth sewed in seams oj 
coat — all laugh. 

Zoe. He looks like Joseph with a coat of many colors. 

Fly. Like de old free cent postage stamp. 

McG. Look out, nagger, no insinuation remarks, sir! or I'll send 
you to the house of representation for 10 years, (to Miss Willard) 
Arrah' me darlint, you look blooming as a shamrock in spring. Sure 
it's mesilf that wishes someone had sent ye a kiss through me. 

Zoe. Mr. McGinnis, by an accident our dinner has been spoiled, 
so we will enjoy ourselves the best we can— won't you sing us a 
song? 

McG. Och! don't be after askin' that. 

Omnes. Yes — yes — a song. 

McG. Well, sure I'll do the best I can for the ladies. 

(so?ig, "That Little Black Mustache,'' or any specialty. 

Enter Hans, from tent in German attire. 

Hans. Veil, der I got me mine clothes on— und — ah ladies — 
pleasantly — dundering hot day, I don't know vot you dink apont dot 
balloon rite pisness, I never tried dot pefore in mine life. Oh! my 
goodness, but dot (ltd make me sick, (puts hand on stomach) I loose 
me mine dinner in dree— do— minutes— I dought I'd trow up mine— 



IN A SPIDER'S WEB. - -__- SS 



Zoe. 



Miss Willard. \ Sir! (* urn and ™»-«*W 

Hans. I wonder wot's de matter mit dem. 

Miss Willavd. You will confer a favor by changing the subject. 

Hans. Yes, dot's so — 1 just sing you a song, (song "Hendrich 
Hans — at end of song, Hans looks off l.) Dunder und blixen! look dar! 
dot balloon vos coming back here. Look out everybody. 

(all look off l. 

Miss Willard. Why, what is it? (looks off l. 

Zoe. Only a cloud of dust, I think. 

McG. Holy mother! that beats all the sights I ever seen. 

Fly. For de Lord's sake! dat's a sure live ghost— bet $4.50. 

Pet. Let's get out of this, I'm afraid. (all move to r. 

Tan. (looks off r.) Oh! look here, there's a Gypsy camp over 
there. ( points r. 

Miss Willard. Ah! let's all go and get our fortunes told. 

Zoe. All rigjit, come on. (exeunt r. e., except McGinnis, who hides 

Enter Miss Jones, l. e., dressed very gaudy and very large hoops. 

Miss J. (looks around) Yes, this must be the place. Wonder 
where everybody is? I think they acted rather sly in going away 
and leaving me. I wonder where McGinnis is — he certainly came 
with the crowd. Ah! he is such a nice man — what a fine couple we 
would make— Mrs. McGinnis. I wonder why he don't pop, it's not 
for the want of a chance, I'm sure — but I shall feel so shocked to see 
him after meeting him at the fire last night, (sighs) But I've fallen 
a victim to his charms— I'm in love. Oh! I had such a lovely dream 
last night. I dreamed that 1 was a beautiful Princess, when sud- 
denly a noble Prince appeared attired in gold and jewels — he kissed 
me and as I looked up into his face, it was Mr. McGinnis. 

McG. Mr. McGinnis, you'r a blackguard if you spoil the delusion 
— yon are the Prince and there is the beautiful Princess. Go, do 
your duty. 

McGinnis goes to Miss Jones and kisses her cheek, she turns the other 
cheek which he also kisses. 

Miss J. Oh! Mr. McGinnis, how you frightened me! How could 
you do such a thing? That's robbery. 

McG. Then 1'il bean honest thief and put them back again. 

Miss J. Oh! don't — don't you dare to! Mr. McGinnis. It's strange 
what an interest 1 take in you. (aside) There's a chance for him. 

McG. (aside) I wish I had the courage to ask her to a boat ride. 

Miss J. I never felt toward any man as I do toward you. 

McG. (aside) McGinnis, wake up, be a man — now's your time to 
speak. What's on your mind? (aloud) Miss Jones, I've a request 
to make of ye — ye will pardon me boldness, but— (aside) How the 
devil will I ask her. 

Miss J. (aside) It's coming now, he's going to pop sure, (aloud) 
A request to ask of me? Go on, Mr. McGinnis, it is granted before 
you ask. 

McG. I'm not so sure, but ye'll take offense at me boldness in 
:•• in' a woman of your standing to — to — (asid) I'll ask her now if I 
die. 



26 iJTA SPIDER'S WEB. 

Miss J. (aside) Poor fellow, he's embarrassed. Why don't he go 
on. I'm sure someone will come and spoil it all. 

McG. Miss Jones— Miss Jones— 1 mean— 1 ask your pardon for me 
boldness, but — __ % 

Miss J. Goon dear— I mean Mr. McGinnis. You may call me 

McG. Well then, Becca, you've been very kind to me since I came 
here, and 1 appreciate it, I do, and so if you'll have mo as— as— 

Miss J. (throw* arm* around him) Have you— you old darling— ol 
course 1 will! Oh! I*m so happy, Mr. .McGinn is. Oh! my dear, 1 

never dreamed when L left Vermont, that 1 should return home a 
\v i fe. 

McG. Yes, but Miss Jones, hold on a minute. 

Miss J. Yes, darling, I will hold on until — 

McG. But ye don't know what ye'll have me for. 

Miss. I. Ves. McGinnis, for better or worse. 

Mc4. [aside) McGinnis, you've got both feet in it sure, (aloud) 
But Miss Jones, you see my political friends are Codling here from 
the city next week to have a sore eye — and — and — I was about to ask 
you if you would have me— have me — for — an escort. 

Miss' J. (surprised) An escort! is that all? 

McG. (aside) "Is that all!" does she want the earth? (aloud) 
Sure that's all. 

Miss J. (sobbing) Oh! my poor deluded hopes blasted once more. 
Oh! Mr. McGinnis, how could you be so cruel? 

McG. (aside) There I've done it sure, a political picnic is no 
place for a woman, (aloud) Miss Jones — Becca — no I meau Miss 
Jones, I humbly ax your pardon for shaking your poor weak nerves 
so. I — I — excuse me ma'am — I will go to — no, I won't either, I'll 
take. the first stage for the Fijee Islands. (exit L. b. 

Miss J. (sobbing) Oh! my poor fluttering heart. 

Enter Fly, r. e. 

Mr. McGinnis, if you haven't the courage to speak, I will. McGinnis. 
I love you, my own — (turns, not seeing Fly and puts her arm* around 
//is neck — business) I know what you would ask. you want me to be 
your little wife, don't you darling? 

Fly. (aside) By golly, she takes me for de Irishman, (aloud) 
Yes, yes, my darling, I am yours for lite — look up, darling. 

(she looks up, discovers Fly, screayns and faints in his arms 

Enter Tanner, Hans, Miss Willard, Charles, Zoe and Pet, l. e. 

Omnes. Why, what's the matter? 

Fly. Matter 'nutf. For de Lord's sake, take her away s 

(all assist in ardasintf Mrss Jones 
Zoe. Why. what's the matter. Miss Jones? 

Miss J. (sighs) Oh! 1 was so frightened when Fly came in here 
unannounced. 

Fly. Yes, she took me tor a ghost. 

Enter Kid, r. e., disguised as a Jar peddler, pack <>u back, goes to Put, 
takes off' whiskers. 

Kid. (aside to Pet) Pel, do you know me? 



IX A SPIDER S WEB. 27 

(puts whiskers back on again. 

Pet. {aside to Kid) Why Henry, is this you 7 

Kid. (aside to Pv:r) Yes. I wanted to com.' to the picnic, so T as- 
sumed this disguise; don't give me away, {turn* U> rest) Oxcuse dis 
intrusion rrfine friends, but maybe you want to buy somedings sheep. 
(unpacks bundle) Dere vas some tine laces for <l<- ladies, live yards in 
a j>ieee, and only a half a dollar — you like him? 

Omnes. No, we don't want anything. 

Kid. No — veil den I show you some nice sockspenders, vill stretch 
a mile, (stretches them at arms length and knock* Fly down) Varranted 
to last forever, (aside) if you don't wear dem. 

(throws them ocer Fly's neck and jerks him up 

Fig. We don't want any of dem. 

Kid. Aii! ladies, look of dose, (holds up hose) streaked and striped, 
varranted not to rip, ravel nor run down in der heel, (holds pair op 
to Miss Jones) All sizes, (she turns away) Ah! too large? Hold on, 
ma'am, I have all sizes — a tit varranted or no sale. 

(all laugh at Miss Joxks 

Fly. By golly, dem's nice! 

Kid. No vautdem— all right— den maybe you (to Zoe) vant some 
fine soothing syrup? 

Fly. Dat's good to keep in de house. 

('has. (angry) No, we have no use for it. 

Fly. (reaches over and gets doll baby out of pack) Dat's de stuff dat 
'II go wif de syrup. 

Chas. Come, get out of this, we don't want anything. 

Kid. But, mine — 

Chas. Fly, throw him out of here — anywhere— in the lake. 

Fly. (business) Come 'long here! 

Work this up — Fly drags him to c. and throws him out, then throws his 
traps after him — all run to shore c, laughing — exeunt l. e. 

Enter McGinnis, r. e. 

McG. I guess it's safe to venture in for a minute. In my hurry 
to leave I forgot— (feels in pocket 

Enter Miss Jones, r. e. 

Miss J. You'r a mean contemptable thing, so you are! 

McG. I'm not, Becca. 

Mian J. Don't Becca me — don't dare to contradict me — you are — 

McG. Becca, you'r right, I am — or — 

Miss J. Oh! what a fool I am. 

McG. You'r right— you'r right— no— no— your wrong— sure you 
are. 

Miss J. Insult added to injury— oh! that I should have lived to 
see this day! I wish I was dead". (sobbing 

McG. So do I— so do I — 

Miss J. How dare you? 

McG. Oi didn't mane that— Oi mane— oh! Oi don't know what 
Oi mane. I'm distracted sure, (aside, looks l.) And there they 
come back — sure I'm in for a breach of promise, (aloud) Becca — 
dear Becca — how can ye trate me so. whin Oi love ye? (puts arm 
around her) Oh! Becca, me loife, forgive me darling — I know ye love 



28 IN A SPIDER'S WEB. 

me -don't deny it— will ye be me wife? 

Miss J. (aside, la ugh in y) Tim t V more 1 1 ke \> usi n ess. 

McG. Say, you forgive me? 

Miss J. Oh! McGinn is, L was not mad at all, I loved you all the 
time. 

McG. (aside) For an illegant first-class double breasted liar, 
recommend to me an old maid. 

Miss J. And do ye love me sure. 

McG. 'Tis more than love. 

Miss J. Then take to your arms your own sweet Becca. (business 

Enter Tanner, Charles, Zoe, Pet, Mrs. Spider, Fitz, Miss Willard 
and Fly, l. e. — all rush in on them — Miss Jojnes and McGinnis 
embarrassed. 

Fly. Look out for anodder 'lopement now. 

McG. Friends — you see, Miss Jones got some dirt in her eye, and — 

Miss J. Yes, and' Mr. McGinnis kindly offered his assistance. 

(Mrs. Spider and Fitz go to seat and engage in conversation 
Zoe. Miss Jones, we waited a long time for you. Now that you 
are here, won't you favor us with a song? 

Miss J. What! me sing? (business 

McG. Yes, to oblige (she looks laughingly at him) the ladies. 

Miss J. Well, I'll try. (sings some song, after song 

Enter Sport Spider, r. e., disguised as a tramp, intoxicated — all ap- 
pear frightened 

Mr. S. Don't be frightened (hie) my dears, T won't bite or kick — 
I'm only one of the 400 out rusticating, (sees his tcife and Fitz, aside) 
Ah, ha! at it again, (aloud and excited) There it goes, see it. (draics 
large revolver) No, that's not it. 

Ghas. W r hat are you looking for? 

McG. Trouble? 

Mr. S. A wild beast; I tracked it here and then lost sight of it. 

Fly. Yes, I seed it go down to de lake. 

Mr. S. Yes, there it is now — help me quick! 

Spider fires pistol— all shriek — Fitz crawls under bench, Fly falls c, all 
excited, Spider rushes out c. e. 

Fly. I'se a dead nigger, sure. 

Ghas. That man is crazy and should be taken care of. Let's go 
after him. 

(all rush out c. e. except Mrs. Spider and Fitz, Fitz still under bench 

Mrs. 8. I wonder where Mr. Fitznoodle is? (Fitz coughs) Oh! 
what was that? 

Fitz. (sticks head out) Here I am, my dear. 

Mrs. S. (laughs) Why, Mr. Fitznoodle, what in the world are you 
doing under there? 

Fitz. Has that horrid creature gone yet? 

Mrs. S. W T hy yes, come out from under that bench. 

Fitz. (comes out) Ah! my dear, do you admire my courage? 

Mrs. S. Your courage? 

Fitz. Yes, when that horrid thing came, I concealed myself under 
that bench, ready to spring upon the villain in case he harmed you. 



IN A SPWEIVS WEB. B 

Mrs. S. How very thoughtful of you, Mr. Fitznoodle. I now be- 
lieve you would sacrifice your life tor me. 

Enter Sport Spider, c. e., unseen by them. 

Fitz. (on knees) Ah! my dear, I would more than do that, I'd — 
I'd— 

Mr. 8. You'd what! {grabs Fitz by collar) you cur, and you, (to 
Mrs. Spider) this is the way you treat your victims, is it? 

Mrs. S. Sir! who are you — and how dare you? 

Mr. S. Who am I? I am your husband. 

Mrs. S. Sir! I don't know you. Leave, or I shall call for help! 

Mr. S. Call, Madam, call or I shall, and you — {to Fitz 

Fitz. My dear, protect me as I did you. 

Mrs. S. (aside) Wonder where Fly is? 

: 

Enter Fly, c. e. 

(aloud) Just in time; call in assistance and put this tramp out. 

Mr. S. No, Madam, I have trapped you at last — you are caught 
in your own web. 

Mrs. S. (calls) Help! help! 

Ent&r Charles, Zoe, Pet, Miss WIllard and Hans, c. e. 

Chas. There he is now, grab him! 

Mrs. S. This man is — 

Mr. S. (throws off disguise) The husband of that woman who is 
playing- the part of an adventuress. She left home telling me she 
was going to visit her parents. I suspicioned all was not right and 
followed her here, and have caught her in company with this thing. 

Mrs. S. There are always two sides of a story. He told me he was 
going on a hunting expedition with some gentlemen friends, (Mr. 
Spider surprised) but instead, came here— an eye for an eye, say 1, 
and these people can pass their own opinion. 

(Fly sings "Kiss and lefs make up my darling' " — exit l. e. 

Zoe. Let the past be forgotten and start life anew. 

Mr. S. Then my dear wife, if L have wronged you in any way, or 
pulled the wool over your eyes, I ask your forgiveness. 

Mrs. S. I grant it, but only on condition that you be friends with 
my old class mate, Mr. Fitznoodle. (songs can be introduced Jiere 

Enter Fly, r. e. , excited. 

Fly. You'se a nice lot of people, you is! What for you make me 
frow de kid in de lake? 

Omnes. The kid! 

Fly. Yes, dat was de kid disguised as a Jew peddler and dar he 
is (points out r.) drying his clothes. Come on and see him. 

(exeunt l. e. 

Enter McGinnis and Tanner, r. e. 

Tan. McGinnis, I noticed you out riding with a fellow awhile ago. 

McO. Yes, I'll tell you of a bit of a surprise I have for her, for 

Becca. What do you think I have bought for her? 

Tan. I can't say. 



SO IN A SPJDER\S WEB:. 

McG. That pony. 
Tan. Is that so? 

McG. Yes— it's— the— a mare — and the sweetest little animal ye 
ever sot eyes on; 

Enter Miss Jones, i.. k.. unseen. 

her hair is as soft as silk and her big brown teyes are beautiful. 

Mi** J. (aside) Who can MeGinnis be talking about? 

Tan. What's her name? 

McG. Sure it's the swatest name ye ever heard of— she's called 
called Daisy Belk (both laugh 

Miss J. (wide) Oh! a. woman — 1 knew rt— false man again-— he 
loves another— Oh! that hussy, Daisy Bell. 

McG. And ye should see her legs, so small and as straight as an 
arrow, and the smallest little tool ye ever saw. 

Miss, I. (aside) Oh! the deceitful wretch! and to think that [ 
should fall in love with him. Oh' I hale him— I despise him! 

McG. I'll be after bringing her down here next week. 

Tan, That's good, we'll take her out together, eh? 

Miss J. (aside) Oh! you old hypocrite! 

Tan. Well. Miss Jones will be quite surprised sure — does she 
suspect nothing? 

McG. She's as unexpecting as to what's going on behind her 
back, as a new born babe. 

Miss J. (aside) I can stand this no longer, (comes down c, aloud) 
'Tis false, you Wretch, I know all! 

Tan. She's vexed, MeGinnis, she's vexed! 

McG. Vexed! Heaven defend us from her anger, (to MissJonks) 
Becca, me — own — darling — 

Miss J. Don't darling me — you monster — T never want to see your 
face again! Oh! that my love should have so shameful a return. 
(paces stage frantically — McGinnis and Tanner on each side of lier, try- 
ing to pacify her, she takes no notice of them) What a fool I was to think 
that a mati loved me — just let me lay hands on that Daisy Bell. I'M 
scratch her eyes out. I'll teach her a lesson. Oh! my young life is 
ruined. Oh!— oh! — (exit k. e. 

Tanner and McGinnis continue to pace stage, then stop and look at each 

other. 

Tan. McGinnis, you'r a fool. 

McG. I know it — it comes natural to me — T was born that way. 

Tan. That woman is under some awful delusion, and it's your 
duty to find out what's wrong with her. 

McG. Ye don't know her— when she's in one of her tantrums, she's 
dangerous. 

Tan. McGinnis. are you afraid of a woman? 

McG. (attitude) Afraid, did you say' Michael O'Rafferty Mc- 
Ginnis, M. P. of the 18th Ward, afraid of a woman! (laugh's) Ye 
make me laugh. Watch me beard the lioness in her den. (starts off 
— hesitates — looks back at Tanner) By the way, Mr. Tanner, I've the 
best joke ye iver — 

Tan. No time for jokes — pacify your intended first. (exit l. e. 

McG. Well then, here goes! (looks r.) Ah! here she comes back. 



TX A SPIDERS WEB. SI 

Enter Miss Jones, r. e. 

Miss J. McGinnis, my da>rling, forgive my blind jealousy, but Hip 
thought thai yon loved another, almost broke my heart, and I 
though! that that Daisy Bell was a, woman. 

McG. Say no more about it me precious— it showed bow much ye 
cared lor me, darling. 

Miss J, (throws arms around his neek) Oh! my Michael! 

McG. Oli! me lump of sweetness! (embrace) Once more me god- 
dess, (embrace) And now for the tiger, me queen. (embrace 

Enter. Pet, l. e., pins curd on McGinnis, steps back and coughs, he and 
Miss Jones start. 

Pet. Miss .lories, you are wanted. (exit l. e. 

McG: All right, darling, we come. (exeunt l. e. 

Enter Pet. l. e., backwards, laughing. 

Pet: There he u-oes!. (laughs) Oh! see that Dutchman kick him. 
Ah! here they come. (exit k. e. 

McG. (outside) Look her*' Dutcliy! sure a wink is as good as a 
nod at a blind horse. 

Enter McGinnis, l. e., backwards, with a card on ids back on which is 
printed "Kick inc." 1 

I'll be after putting you to sleep. 

Enter Pet and Fly. k. e., see card- business of looking at card. 

Pet. Give it to him. 
Fly. Dat's what' 
(Fly kicks McGinnis. then turns and enters into conversation with Pet 

McG. (turns quickly and strike* at nothing) By the powers, I bate 
the loif'e out of that Dutchy. 

Enter Hans, r. e.. backwards, looking up, runs against McGinnis, both 
fall business of getting up as if to fight. 

We are at swords point— one of us must die— choose your weapon. 

Hans. Brick bats at 40 paces. 

McG: Very well, a brick is an Irishman's best friend. 

Hans. It is, eh! then take one. (strikes him with paper brirk 

McG. (falls) The downfall of Ireland. 

Hans, (puts foot on McGinnis' breast, strikes attitude) E-pluri-bus 
— unum— I'm sick send for, McGinnis. See— nix and say nit. 

Enter all Characters, c. e. 

Chas, Come! come gentlemen, such actions are very ungentle- 
manly in the presence of ladies, (attempts to separate them— business) 
Come, shake hands and be friends once more. 

McG. I'll do it. 

{.shakes— while they are quarrelling, Fly climbs up tree, unnoticed 

Zo&. Oh! here comes the boat. 



32 IK A SPIDER'S WEB, 

All rush to c. e. except Hans and McGinnis — Hans turns to go, when 
Fly hits him on head, Hans turns to McGinnis. 

ILins. Look here, McGinnis, vot for you do dot? 

McG. Do what? 

J Inns. Hit me on my head. 

McG. I didn't. 

Huns. You did — you'r a — 

McG. Look out Dutchy, don't dare to insinuate, (starts of , Fly 
hits hint on head) Again we are enemies, (business of taking off coat) 
Dutchy, you hit me. 

Hans. Nit. 

McG. Hut sure and I seen you. (both advance towards each other 
and meet directly widen' Fly) Now Dutchy, I'll not stand it. 

Hans. Den sit down, or I knock you down. 

Fly hits both at same time, McGinnis and Hans look at each other in 

surprise. 

McG. (casting eyes in tree) Say, Dutchy, come here! (both walk to 
front confidentially) Dutchy, there's a nagger up the tree. 

Both look for something to throw, when Fly comes down, and they grab 
him as Pet and Miss Jones come forward. 

Pet. No you don't hurt him. 
Miss J. Mr. McGinnis! 

Ghas. (comes forward) Come! come, gentlemen, this is ridiculous! 
Miss J. Michael, show your manliness. 
McG. (about to show fight) Sure and Oi will. 

Miss J. No! no! no! no more of this! The boat will soon be here 
and you must be my escort. 

McG. Ah darling, sure and Oi will. (fog horn heard 

Omnes. There's the boat. 

Aliform circle and sing any good-night song or have fancy dance as 
curtain falls. 

■ CURTAIN, 

THE END. 



IN A SPIDER'S WEB. S3 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT T.— Lawn at "Drop Inn"— Pet and Kid— "Gee whiz, you 
don't like me no how" — Tanner, the proprietor of "Drop Inn" — 
'Say, Gnardy, did youeat any blind robins?" — Fly — Henry is stage 
struck — William Shakespere, "You know Willie, don't you?" — Pet 
and Kid torment Fly — Dem skeeters mighty bad around here" — Fly 
plays a trick on them and gets even— Tanner and Zoe— "What! my 
daughter marry a hotel clerk?"— Fritz— "Well 1 nevah, he takes 
me lor satan— Mrs. Spider— An easy catch— "By George, dead mashed 
on me, deuced clevah girl" — Pet and Kid paint a monkey face on 
Tanner's bald head— Charles proposes for Zoe's hand, but is rejected 
by her father— Fritz tries to flirt with Pet -"Porter, erase the country 
soil from my clothes" — Fly, the tonsorial artist — "What you want, 
bobtail, four-in-hand or pompadour?" — Fritz and Mrs. Spider— The 
arrival of guests — Miss Jones, the unprotected female — Tanner and 
Fly have trouble with her luggage — Michel O'Ratfert}' McGinuis, 
M. P., from the 13th ward — Pet and Kid quarrel — "Young lady, I'll 
send you to a convent" — "I won't go, so I won't" — "De downfall of 
Africa" — Charles and Zoe plan an elopement and offer Fly $5.00 to 
help them — "O! Charles, the shock has killed him" — McGinnis 
hunting a place for a political convention. 

ACT II. — Office in Hotel— Pet — "1 wish Henry was here, I am so 
lonesome" — She tells Tanner that she is engaged to Kid — "When 
will you be fifteen years old" — "As soon as I can" — "Ain't you 
proud of me?" — You littld wretch, I'll twist your neck" — Another 
guest— Mrs. Spider discovers that the latest arrival is her husband. 
Sport Spider — "So this is the way he goes on a hunting trip" — "'Fire! 
Fire! — A put up job by Charles — He and Zoe are married during 
excitement — Miss .lones faints in McGinnis' arms — "The longest 
faint I ever seen" — Dey look like two fairies." 

ACT 111. — Picnic ground near lake — Mrs. Spider on the lookout 
for her husband — Frit/noodle arrives on his wheel — Flirtation con- 
tinued — Hans, the tramp— "Dunder und blitzen, .dot baloon vaa 
coming back here"— Miss Jones, who had been left at home, arrives, 
looking for McGinnis — "Ah! he is such a nice man, what a nice 
couple we would make"— "McGinnis, your a blackguard, if you 
spoil the delusion" — Miss Jones tries to encourage McGinnis to pro- 
pose — "Oh! my poor fluttering heart" — Kid comes to the picnic 
disguised as a Jew — McGinnis proposes — SportSptder discovers Mrs. 
Spider and Fritz — Looking for trouble — "You are caught in your 
own web" — "Forgive me" — You'se a nice lot of people, you is"--- 
Miss Jones jealous — "Oh! that huzzy Daisy Bell" — "Heaven defend 
us from her anger" — McGinnis and Miss Jones make up — "See that 
Dutchman, kick him" — "Brick bats at forty paces" — Downfall of 
Ireland — Dutchy, there's a nagger up the tree — Song— Curtain. 



STAGE D'RF.CllONS. 

K., menus Right: L., Left; R. H., Right Hand; l. h., Left Hand; c. Center; s. s. 
[2<1 E..] Second Entrance; u. E., Upper Entrance; m. d., Middle Door; F., ths 
Flat : n. F., Door in Flat; K. C, Right of Center; L. c, Left of Center. 

B. It. C. C. L. C. L. 

*** Tiie reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. 



LofC. 



LITTLKGOLDIB; 

— «<e j4 ii OR 5^ ( „ a 

TI > e^hiWLofThe Camp. 

A Western Comedy Drama in 4 acts, by Charles 0. Willard, for 11 
male and 3 female characters. Time 2 hours 



SYMU'SIS OF I M' I DENTS. 
\ ACT I.— The picnic near the '-Black Hawk's" cave— The lawyers and Mike— 
LttfcieGoldie has run with the Judge -Mike makes love to Matilda The Judge 
is appealed to— Matilda and the Judge— Joe arrived late — The Captain: of the 
Black Hawks shows up— Tells the »aii? a. story -Old Jones in rich- The plot— 
Peter's meets Old Jones - The struggle Little Uoldie to the res. -lie, backed by 
the Judge and his cannon "It wouldn't do in this glorious climate of Colorado." 

ACT II. The Col. and the Maj. lament the escape of the Black Hawks— The. 
Judge gets drunk— Mike (ells some news— The boys "lay" for the school teacher 
—The school teacher arrives -A female!— The Judge makes a speech — loe 
drops in and outs them all out— Matilda arid the Judge -Mike gets mad— The 
Capt. of the Black Hawks again— Little Goldie at her pranks, has trouble with 
Godfrey— Joe interferes— The Col. and Maj. get in their worst— Judge tries to 
escape from Matilda— Mike helps him out— The recognition -The story— I will 
be there— The quarrel- "Drop that knife, or I'll till you full of holes." 

ACT HI.— The home of Edith -Matilda tells a little gossip and departs— Joe 
calls and tel Is Ed it h of h is love --The Judge hears him refused— Joe departs — 
The Judge tries his hand— Matilda unexpectedly returns— The Judge in a fix- 
Little Goldie again — A new baby— Godfrey calls on Edith— The promise— "So 
will I"— The Col. and Maj.— Mike happens along— The Judge takes a band— Little 
Goldie looking for Joe— Handsome Harry— "I'll play this alone if I die for it"— 
Near the Black Hawk's retreat— The Black Hawks— Godfrey waiting Edith's 
arrival— Edith arrives— "Never"— "Then go where you belong"— Handsome 
Harry to the rescue — "Defend yoursel I'"— Harry is overpowered— The fate of a 
traitor— Goldie to the rescue— The terrible fall of Godfrey. 

ACT IV.— Bummer Jones' (George Winfreu) home in Denver— Mike Flynn iu 
command— The reformed Bummer— The letters— The letter from the nephew — 
The nephew arrives— Godfrey as a "Missionary"— The uncle writes a letter 
dictated by the nephew— The arrival of the Judge— The murder— The Col. and 
Joe-Godfrey's claim— Mike tells what he heard— Godfrey accused of murder - 
"His child and the heiress is dead"— The heiress found is Little Goldie— Hand- 
some Harry— Godfrey cheats the law— Edith aud Joe— Unexpected arrival of 
Matilda— Happy finale. Price 25 CtS. 

Trie Old Wayside Inn. 

^ m tm 

A drama iu 5 acts l»j J. E. Crary, for » male and 6 female 
characters. Time of performance 2 hours. 

ACT I.— The Wayside Inn— Storm on the Moor — Arrival of Lady Arley and 
infant daughter— Lill Beck with warns her— "It is death to remain longer"— Ar- 
rival of Jack Beckwith— Murder of Lady Arley— Lill saves the child. 

ACT II— A lapse of fifteen years— Lill and Gypsy— The dying woman— "I am 
not your mother" — The secret revealed — Jack arrives — A death bed— Jack's 
despair— Gypsy d iscovers her mother's papers, which reveals her mother's his- 
tory — Bart Juan and Jack meet— "I know your secret" — "My silence is, the 
hand of < iy ps.v"— Bruce St il well -Lost on the Moor Seek-' shelter, and is 
warned by Gypsy— His escape -Jack's oath at his wife's grave— Murder of 
Jack and abduction of Gypsy, by Bart Juan and his men— Bruce discovers Jack 
in time to learn of the abd net ion -Death of Jack. 

ACT III. -The Irish and Dutch Detectives "Kli dot so?"— Home of Lady Still- 
well — The compact between Bruce and his mother — "I love Gypsy Beckwith" — 
Pal and Fritz— Cave of the Robbers — Washington dances at the point of a 
revolver— Gypsy's escape — Oath of vengeance. 

.ACT IV. -Bruce discovers Gypsy as an Actress— I shall never marry my 
cousin Gerty— Bart Juan and Bruce— The duel, in which Gerty meets her death. 

ACT V. -Lady Still wells attempt to discover the heiress— Bruce and Gypsy— 
The proposal -Happy ending. Price. 15cts. 



Katie's Deception; 



-OR,- 



The Troublesome Kid. 



Faroe in 1 act, by W. L. Bennett, 4 male and 2 female characters. 
Costumes modern. Time of playing, 30 minutes. A bright 
sparkling farce for amateurs. Good negro charac- 
ter. Farmer from "Way back" answers 
Katie's matrimonial advertisement. 
Characters are all good. 
Price 15 cents. 

i rn »i i— —— — —■— — — ■— — ■■■ ■ i »j»— — — mm ^ mmm mmm ^ 

Our Family Umbrella. 

A Comedietta in 2 acts, by E. E. Cleveland, 4 male and 2 female 
characters. Scenery interior. Costumes modern. The old man 
Character is excellent, is ahvay buying umbrellas, but never has one 
when needed. Amateurs will find this a good after-piece. 

Price 15c 

Yacob's Hotel Experience. 

Farce in 1 act by B. F. Eberhart, 3 male characters. Time of 
playing 20 minutes. This will make a good after-piece. The dutch- 
nian is immense. His experience 'in a first class hotel is uproaro.usly 

HOME RULE. 

A Charade in 2 scenes, by the author of Yacob's Hotel Experience, 

8 male and 3 female characters. Time of playing, 

20 minutes. Price 1.") cents. 

Joan of Arc Drill. 

A Spectacular Shepherd ' drill for 8 to 1(> girls, by R. F. 
Eberhart. This drill is simple and easy to gel up. requiring no 
scenery, can be produced indoor or out, no special music is needed 
in the march. Costume, Shepherd girls dress girls carry a 
Shepherd's crook. A diagram gives tin- line of march, so it is easily 
understood. Muds with a tableau of Joan of Arc at the stake. 

Price 1.") cents. 



TRIXIE; 



-OR- 



The Wizard of Fogg 
- Island. 

A drama in 3 acts by Bert 0. Rawley, for 6 male and 3 
female characters. Costumes to suit charac- 
ters. Time of playing, 1 hour and 

30 minutes. / 



SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT I. Scene I. — Webber mansion — Mr. and Mrs. Webber discuss 
the future welfare of their son. King — King and Jennie return from 
a pleasure trip — The Wizard's prediction — Anthony Webber makes 
a discovery — The secret — "There is only one witness to my crime!" 
— A glimpse of the past — The fatal card — "I must find a way of 
escape." Scene II — Fogg Island — The Wizard's cave— Little Trixie 
— A song brings fond memories — A discontended lady — A father's 
good advice — An Irishman's idea— The lost locket — The loser loses 
his head. Scene III. — Webber mansion — Terry and Penny Ante 
have an interview — Surprised — Father and daughter — The sacred 
promise— The living witness — The Wizard appears. 

ACT II. Scene I. — Wizard's cave — Terry and Penny arrive — 
Penny's libber out of order — The Wizard's soliloquy — Trixie and the 
wounded man — The dismay of the Wizard — King Webber— Terry is 
puzzled — CI itford Ellison arrives — His resolve — A glimpse of the past 
— "Who is this man?" — The attempted murder — Trixie on deck — 
Foiled. Scene //.—(Lapse of one month)— Webber's mansion— Penny's 
disordered libber — Terry's little scheme — Ellison's presentiments— 
Mother and son — A mother's pleading — The secret — "It is murder, 
my son!" — The Wizard appears — "No, my friend, your father is 
innocent" — May God bless you." 

ACT III. — Webber mansion — The answer given, "No!" — Ellison 
threatens — Despair — The evidence destroyed — "Warner Webber 
lives!" — Foiled — Jennie's flight — The Wizard's Daughter— United at 
last. Price loets. 

A $10,000 WAGER. 

Farce in 2 acts, by I. M. G. Wood, 4 male, 2 female characters. 
Time, 30 minutes. Miss Clara Farly, Judge Flint's neice, wages 
$10,000 that he will give his consent to the marriage of his neice, 
Minnie, to Walter Bland, whom he has refused to accept as ht j r 
suitor. The means she takes to obtain the wager is very amusing 
The characters are all good, will make a good after piece. Price 15c. 



NEW MILITARY ALLEGORY! 



SPY OF ATLANTA 



A Grand Military Allegory in 6 acts, by A. D. Ames and C. G. Bartley, 14 male, 3 
female characters, with as many supernumerary la lies and gents a~ the stage may 
afford room for. This great play is founded on incidents which actually occured 
during the war of the Rebellion— it introduces Ohio's brave and gallant McPherson 
—the actual manner of his capture and death is shown. It abounds with most beau- 
tiful tableaux, drill, marches, scenes upon the battle Held, in Anders >nville, etc., 
and is pronounced by press and public, the most successful military play ever pro- 
duced. G. A. R. Posts, Military Companies and other organizations, who may wish 
something which will draw, should produce it. It may not be out of place to add 
that this play with the incidents of the death of the gallant McPherson, was written 
with the full consent of the General's brother, R. R. McPherson, since dead, who 
fully approved of it. Below will be found a synopsis of incidents, etc. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. ./£ 

ACT I. 

Home of Farmer Dalton. "Don't talk politics." The dinner hoar. News from 
Fort Sumter, and call for 75 000 men. Quarrel of old friends. "They hung traitors 
in former times." Oath of vengeance. The patriotic Dutchman. II is wonderful 
story. Husband and wife. # "Go, and may God bhss you." Little Willie. "Dot 
dog. The Dutchman organizes a company. Parting of lovers, and "parting forever." 
"Country fir t and love afterwards." Schneider, the Dutchman, and his new com- 
pany. He means business and shows his "poys" that he understands military bus- 
iness. Enlisting. Schneider and his company sign the rolls. The Daltons. "Hus- 
band must you go?" Duty. Little Willie. "Please mother, inayl go?" Presenta- 
tion of the Hag. Parting of loved ones. 

ACT II. 

Camp by night. The letter from home. Army duties. Songs and merriment. 
Tenting on the old camp ground. Inspection of the regiment. Generals McPherson 
nu i Sherman. News from Atlanta. A brave man required. The dangerous mission. 
Promise of promotion given by McPherson. Departure of the spy. The Confederate 
camp. Capt. St. Clair's soliloquy. Plotting. Pete. The old Negro is used rather 
roughly. Father and son. The man who stutters so badly. The discovery. A spy. 
Do your worst, you cowardly traitor. Pete makes himself useful. No chance of 
life. Thrilling tableau and capture of St. Clair. Escape of St. Clair. The pur- 
suit. Generals McPherson and Sherman. News from the front, McPherson pre- 
Iiaring for battle. Firing on the left. I must at one ascertain the cause. The 
lebel squad. McPherson's danger. "Halt and surrender." The fatal shot. "It 
is General McPherson; you have killed the best man in the Union Army." 

ACT III. 

Return of the spy. Sherman hears of the death of his friend. The enemy's lines 
in motion. The long roll and general engagement. 

ACT IV. 

Battlefield by night. "Water! I am dying for want, of water." Little Willi* 
The traitor forgiven. Edwin and Willie are made prisoners. The discovery, and 
renewal of the oath of vengeance. 

ACT T. 

Andersonville with all its horrors. Hope of being exchanged. The last crust of 
bread. St. Clair informs Edwin of the arrival ol his wife. Fears of inanity, and 
prayers to God for reason to know her. I he maniac. "Oh brother, don't v m know 
me?" I am your brother Willie." Maud arrives. Terror on beholding her husband. 
"H a must know me." The picture. The recognition of the picture, and "you are— 
no I can not be wrong, you are .Maud, my wife, thank God." Villainy of St. Clair. 
The cry for bread. Bravery of Willie. The fatal shot, and death of r he brave boy. 
Madness. The curse. "Boys, let us prav that this may soon end." The rescue 

ACT VI. 

News of the surrender of Lee. The new love. Th" vacant chair. Happiness of 
Pete. Return of the boys, and joyful mpeting of hived ones. 
PRICE 25 CENTS PER COPY. 



Miss Topsy Turvy. 

-OR- 

The Courtships of the 



Deaeon. 



A Comedy in 3 acts, by B. 6. McFall, for 4 male and 4 female 
characters. Costumes modern. Time of perfor- 
mance 2 hours. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Topsy Turvy, Nellie Clarendon. 

May Golden Topsy' s cousin. 

Mrs. Clarendon, Topsy'9 mother. 

M tss Spriggs Topsy' 's governess. 

Lord Clarence, A rich KngUshmhn. 

Frank Golden May's brother. 

Deacon Jones, Pillar of the church. 

Ned Servant. 



SYNOPSIS OF'EVKN'IS. 



ACT I. — Mrs. Clarndon's parlor — The Deacon almost proposes to Miss Springs 
—Topsy Turvy interrupts the scene and shows up a little of the Deak's charac- 
ter— The second rascal appears — "That's the bombardment of Santiago"— Poor 
Miss Spriggs resigns her position — "Oh Heaven, what now ! It's Topsy Turvy'' 
— The thunder storm arouses uncanny feelings in the Deacon's mind — The 
ghost — Ned arrives — "Dis yere's a b-b-lmg house, sah"— The ghost and the 
Deacon — The two rascals appear — "Golly, where dat skal-e-wag ob a gal ebber 
is, ebber t'ing just don get topsy turvy, suah's \ o' horn.'' 

ACT II.— Arrival of Lord Clarence— Miss Spriggs has troubles of her own — 
The two rascals hold a council of war — Ned hears his sentence— "'Iz a gone coon 
Suah's youh born" — One proposal interrupts another — "Do you mean to say 
that you didn't say what yon just said you didn't say, say?" — Miss Spriggs 
consents to till poor Jennie's place — Another trick on the poor nigger — Topsy 
Turvy makes friends with Lord Clarence — Deacon and Miss Spriggs are mar- 
ried and the poor nigger excites the angry passions of the bridegroom. 

ACT III. — Ned makes a contract with Lord Clarence— May's jealousy gets the 
better of her good sense— Ned in trying to till his contract, falls into the hands 
of his tormentors— "You chnllins don't play fair, no how"— A trick on the nig-^ 
ger — Mrs Jones begins to think marriage is a failure — Topsy gives her a lesson 
on how to manaue a husband — Mrs. Jones demonstrates the lesson — Frank and 
Topsy witnesses the Deacon's surrender — Ned explains the situation to Lord 
Clarence — May talks unguardedly — Mr. and Mrs. Jone's visit rudely terminated 
by one of the rascals— May goes to meet her fate, but fate comes to meet het — ■ 
"Golly, where dat skal-e-wag ob a gal ebber is, ebber t'ing just don get topsy 
turvy, suah's yo' boru." Price 15 cents* 

POPPING THE QUESTION. 

Farce in 1 art. by J. K. Bnckstane, for 2 male and 4 female 
characters. Plays 40 minutes. Parlor scene. It is an exceedingly 
neat farce, easy to play, and always brings down the house. Re- 
quires no scenery. Price 15 cents. 



HAL HAZARD; OR, THE FEDERAL SPY. 

A Military Drama of the late war of the Rebellion, in four acta, 

BY FRE D. G. AN DREWS. 

This drama is a, great success, and is published now for the first time from the 
authors ong.ua manuscript .There has been a demand for a play wh ch could be 
used by Grand Army Posts, Military Companies, etc.. which would be effective, and 
yet not difficult to represent. This want [Till Hazard will supply 

It has eight male characters and three female. A few s Idiers'both U S and C 
S., may be used, bat there is no e aborate drills or difficult stage business t'o try the 
patience of t le manager. It takes from 1% to 2 hours to present it 
♦ T H-4$\ n f/'H» racter ka^uble one-"George Clarendon," who assumes the char, 
ter or Old Hal a very deaf an I shrewd old man, who is equally at home in the 
Confederate or Federal Camp. As the Spy he is always on hand at the proper time 
and always comes our ahead in all places where h s services are needed The other 
characters are all good, consisting of a captain and lieutenant in the U S Armv 
and tour Confederates. Generals Sherman, Stoneman and Garrard are represented* 
but may be omitted if desired. There is also an excellent Leading Lady. Old Wo" 
man and Negro Comedy VV oinan. 

Those who order and produce this play will be more than pleased.— Pri-e 25c, 

"Simph t Immense!' ' ia the verdict of ever?/ company which produces it, and every out 

who reads it! Two hours of continual screams of laughter!! 'lhe funniest 

of all modern comedies, entitled. 

AN AFFLICTED FAMILY; 

OR, A DOCTOR WIT HOIT A IMPL03IA, 

BY MALCOLM S. IA YLOR. 

There is always a demand for a Play w ich is funny, and wr tten in such a way as 
to be easily represented as regards scenery, and not to difficult in its representation! 
This Comedy will be found all that is desired. The following is a description of the 
characters: 

C. Crotchet a retired merchant, sick inthe spleen. 

tY i Z T y -'"7 a barber addicted to punning and scrapes. 

i a* ' | jmton ' a Practical physician, troubled with patients. 

L. btaple, a young merchant, subject to bashfnlness. 

i i u e ' ** * -a student, inclined to ale. 

John Henry, a manservant complaining of nothingto do 

ik^rSS&itX " vomtu0/ '-> u «* d <o !<&* away bad effects. 

Mrs. Crotchet,.... an invalid, ill with nervousness. 

Soliy! herVeicT ' } hoth affected " lth a d ™<™ <>f the heart, called love. 

l ,0 >; oh y a maiden aunt, afflicted with deafness, knitting, and a poodle dog 

iJettv a maidservant, suffering out of sympathy for Frizzy'. 

Each one of the above characters is worthy the talent of the best comedv repre- 
sentatives, either in or out of the Profession. Amateurs especially will find the Plav 
eminently suited to their wants. It is in four acts, each act consisting of only one 
scene. The costumes modern, and scenes all nteriors, enabling companies with a 
limited stock of scen-ry to produce it easily. Nothing like a description of the ludi- 
crous and laughable situations can be given here— but we can trulv assure our friend* 
that nearly every speech is a signal for r ars of laughter and rounds of applause If 
you want something pathetic don't send for it, but if you desire fun from the rise of 
the curtain on the first act. till its fall on the last act, you may be sure of not bein<* 
di appointed if you order this. Price 15 cents per copy. ■ 



GREEN 

w put- 
ail — each 



ALWAYS pET TttE^A^\™ n 

X x±-j vi ^ ting up our llgllts ln f]n boxeg> express]v f0 bvmail— moH 

box contains enough material for one light, with a fuse for lighting, and "full and « 
pli it directions for burning them. These lights are not excelled by any for brilliancy 
-they burn s eadny and slowly-they do not contain a partical of sulphur, and are 
free from offensive odors, and are sure to give perfect satisfaction 

43- Do not. ruin your tableaux by an inferior light when it is so easy to nrocur. 
good ones. Price 25 cents per box. wutun 



Under the America n Flag. 

A SpanuJk American Drama in 4. acts, by Hilton Goon, for 6 male and 3 
female characters. Time of playing, £ hours and 15 minutes. 

. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT T,— Home of General Romero F. Nefverra, Manilla — A prison- 
er of war. 

ACT II. — Rajnpar.ts of the Fort do Santiago— The escape. 

ACT LIT. — Tire same— The bombardment of Manilla. 

A( T IV.— The land of the free— Patrick O'Roogan's home nea 
Fort Hamilton* Cal. — Two weeks later. Price, 25cts. 



WHO'S WHO: OR ALL IN A FOG. 



A farce in one act, by Thomas J. Williams, for 3 male and! 
female characters. Costumes modern. Time for representation 
40 minutes. The series of amusing situations are brought aboutM 
a number of cases of mistaken identity. Everybody is mistaken** 
everybody else, and the complications arising are extremely laugW 
hie. The characters are all capital, and the piece never fails 
divert an audience. * Price, 15c|¥ 

POPPING THE QUESTION.} 

A farce in 1 act, by J. H. Bnckstone, as played at the Pi 
Theatre, N. Y., for 2 male and 4 female characters. Time of pi; 
ihg, 40 minutes. The entanglements in which an amorous, eld 
gentleman finds himself because of his roundabout way of "popp 
the question," are delicionsly funny, while the culminating sclrg 
between himself and the two old maids is one of the most comi-19 
things ever. "witnessed. Easy to play, and always brings down t 
house. Requires no scenery. Price, 15"* 

A NEW TEMPERANCE FARCE, ENTITLED 

"Switched Off," 



1 



BY LIZZIE MAY ELWYN, 






Author of "Dot. Ihe Miner's Daughter," for 8 female charaH 
can double to (L Parlor scene. Time of playing, 25 minute^^B 
Marsh advocates the moderate use of liquor- her daughter-"' 
home from school, hears of her mother's views, and wilg$ 
friends, decide to switch her off the whiskey track, wf 
two Irish servants. They show up the moderate usee -.I'ieys,' 
way that soon convinces Mrs. Marsh, that to abolish i <«"««• 
the only safe way. Grandmother Taylor, a strong temporal 
speaUs'her mind freely. The result is that all sign the tem^^y, 
pledge. A tip top farce— full of fun— characters all good. . u 

Price, la b k 



Allies* Plavs-Conl timed. 



^ 



Out in'the Streets 

Rescued, 

Saved 

Turn of the Tide"! 

Three Glasses a Day . 3 3 

Ten Nights in a Bar- Room ; :: 
Wrecked <» :{ 

COMEDIES. 

An Afflicted Family. 7 .i 

' Biter Bit, The. .' 5 2 

t Bird Family. 

Caught in the Act 

1 Captured. h 4 

> Caste .=> 3 

J Case of Jealousy 4 2 

, Cigarette, The 4 2 

;, Farmer Larkin's Boarders. 5 4 

J Girl from the Midway. The.. 3 2 

1 Heroic Dutchman of '7o. 8 3 

lV Home. 5 3 

l, In a Spider's Web 

Joshua Blodgett. 25c 7 2 

L Johanes Blatz's Mistake 4 3 

T Love's Labor Not Lost 3 3 

1, London Assurance ft 3 

It Miss Blothingay's Blunder. 3 3 

, i Miss Topsv Turvy 4 4 

Ll Mnldoon's Blunders., 25c.... 5 3 

; <New Years in N. Y 7 6 

' Not So Bad After All 6 5 

' Our Boys 6 4 

i i )ur Daughters 

"i )nr Summer Boarder's 6 3 

■ *ug and the Baby ."> 3 

'assions ft 4 

rof. James* Experience 

eaching Country School... 4 3 

V H ags and Bottles. 4 1 

;v, *•• 'ale With Sharps and 

ats '-\ - 

. ,M ' rvants vs. Master fi '- 

^T'lght Mistake ° 5 

«■*■;■ ^on Shingle. 14 - 

• Hb,25e.... H 3 

\o Bad Boys. • ■' 

•ee Hats, The 4 3 

00 Reward '-' " 

et's Mistake. a ] 

.. luingHand, The 

ft ' owMcGintv. The..... ...a » 

^TRAGEDIES. 

Hllflerf K :{ 

^S&COMEDIETTAS 

-nd Servant. 'i 

arlotte's Maid -3 3 

luddle 3 3 

■ jckles. 4 :! 

Scheme, The 1 \ 

,_ • Jarpet Bag, Thai 

■"* F\ f Baker '-' ';' 

%Jf.uW White < - 

..!'' ^JrUt Branigaus' 
'bh! 

' p.,;, i* • 



101 
344 

225 
317 
324 
346 
2 19 
220 
379 
iss 

218 
224 

233 
154 

274 
209 



271 
116 

IK) 



366 
396 

308 

95 
306 
299 

II 
ftft 
406 
303 
389 
380 
228 

302 

328 

13ft 
231 

69 

208 

212 

32 
273 
318 

356 

:lo4 

285 
296 

396 



m. r. 

BOX aiiil CdJ - i 

Badly Mixed 

Colonel's Mishap 5 

» 'ousin .losiah 1 1 

< upids Capers 4 4 

Cleveland's Recept'n Baity ."> 3 

Day in a Doctors Office. 5 I 

Deacon Jones' Wife's GhOSl l 

Double Election ft t 

Dutchy vs. Nigger... 

Dutchman's Picnic, The 3 

Dutch Prize Fighter 3 

Dr. Baxter's Servants.™.. t 

Everybody Astonished i 

Fooling with the Wrong 

Man.. 3 1 

Freezing a Mother-lu-Law. 3 8 

Fun in a Post Office 4 - J 

Family .lars 

Goose with the Golden 



Hallabahoola. the Medicine 

Man 4 3 

Hans Brnminel's Ca 

Hash 1 2 

How He Popped the Ques- 
tion. 1 1 

How to Tame Your Mother- 
in Law 4 2 

Hotel Healthy I 3 

Haunted Hat, The 

Irish Squire of Squash 

Ridge. 4 -' 

In the Wrong Clothes 5 3 

Jacob shlatT's Mistake. 3 2 

.Timmie Jones. 3 2 

John smith 

Jumbo Jum 4 3 

Judge by Proxy 5 8 

Kiss in the Dark... 

Kitty and Patsy 1 1 

Katie's Deception » ' 

Lauderbach'e i.ittie Bur- 
prise '-' 1 

Locked in a Dress mak< 

Room. 

Lodgings for Two 3 

Love in all Cornet b 
Landlord's Revenge, The a 
Matrimonial Blis^. I 1 

Match for a Mother ml.au :; 2 
Mm-.- Blunders than Om 

Mother's Fool. 

Mv Precious Belsej 4 t 

MJ Turn Next.... 

Mv Wife's Relation - » B 

M\ Neighbor's WU 

Matchmaking Father 

Mike Donovan's Courtship. I 3 

Mvstie Charm, The 

Mv Mother-in-Law 

Mashers Mashed, T 

N'anka'S Lean Year Von 

tvue... 

Nobody h Moke 

Nip and Tuck. ;! I 

ra 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



mill 

Ames' \>h t v s- ... JL2. 1 * 988 383 6 



340 
334 
381 

400 
57 

217 

165 

286 

195 

392 

412 

•276 

159 

169 

180 

171 

267 

315 

416 
68 

295 

309 

138 

115 
55 

327 

232 

211 

270 
1 

365 
358 
346 
413 
326 
339 
137 
167 
.- 
292 
283 
166 
281 
367 
312 
269 
213 
7 
332 
151 
56 

13ft 
147 
155 

414 

403 
111 
157 
377 



M. P. 

Our Hotel 5 n 

Olivet 3 2 

Our Family Umbrella 4 

Obstinate Family, The 3 

Paddy Miles' Boy. 5 

Patent Washing Machine.... 4 

Persecuted Dutchman 6 

Professional Gardener 4 

Poor Pilicorty 2 

Pat McFree 7 

Popping the Question 2 

Printer and His Devils , The 3 

Quiet Family 4 

RegnlarFix tt 

Ripples 2 

Rough Diamond 6 

Room 44 2 

Rascal Pat. That 3 

Ruben Rube •- 

Sham Professor. The 4 

Spellin' Skewl, The. 7 

Santa Glaus' Daughter 5 

Sewing Circle of Period 

S. H. A. M. Pinafore 

Somebody's Nobody... 

Strictly Temperance 

Stage Struck Yankee 

Struck by Lightning 

Slick and Skinner 

Slasher and Crasher, , 

St upid Cupid 

Snow Ball 

Signing an Actor 

Switched Off 

Too Many Cousins 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix 

Taking the Census 

Turn Him Out 

Thirty-three Next Birthday 1 

Tim Flannigan 6 

Trials of a Country Editor. 6 

Texan Mother-in-Law 4 

Two Aunt Emily;?. 

$10,000 Wager 4 

Uncle Ethan 4 

Unjust Justice 6 

Vermont Wool Dealer 6 

Wonderful Telephone 3 

Which is Which? 3 

Wanted a Husband. 2 

Wooing Under Difficulties, 4 

Which will he Marry? 2 

Widower's Trials 4 

Waking Him Up 1 

Why They Joined the Re- 
beccas. ° 

Who's Who? 3 

Winning a Wife 2 

Yankee Duelist 3 

Yankee Peddler 7 

Yacob's Hotel Experience. 3 



3 



Doc- 



no. 

253 Best Cure, The.... 

325 Coincidence. 

222 Colored Senators. 

214 Chops 

190 Crimps Trip 

378 Oittin' 'Sperieiiee 

tor's Office 

153 Haunted House 

24 Handy Andy 

236 Hypochondriac The 

282 Intelligence Office, The 

319 In For It i 

361 Jake and Snow..." 

88 Mischievous Nigger 

256 Midnight Colic 

128 Musical Darkey 

61 Not as Deaf as He Seems... 

353 Nobody's Son 

214 Old Clothes 

234 Old Dad's Cabin 

246 Othello 

297 Pomp Oreen's Snakes 

134 Pomp's Pranks 

258 Prof Bones' Latest Inven- 
tion 

177 Quarrelsome Servants 

107 School 

133 Seeing Bosting 

179 Sham Doctor 

243 Sports on a Lark 

92 Stage Struck Darkey 

238 Strawberry Shortcake 

122 Select School, The 

108 Those Awful Boys 

245 Ticket Taker. 

216 Vice Versa. 

206 Villkens and Dinah 

210 Virginia Mummy. 

206 William Tell 

156 Wig-Maker and His Ser 

vants 

GUIDE BOOKS. 



K. 

4 1 
8 
3 
3 

5 



2 

2 

2 

3 
3 1 
2 



2 <J 

3 



2 (a 

■l 

5$0 

3 }0 

1° 
3 13 





fo 





no 

1 ! 

6 1 

4 



25c* 5 



ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 

. Academy of Stars 6 

1 172 Black Shoemaker 4 2 

1 98 BlackStatue 4 2 

"*1 The Little Gem Make! 



17 Hints on Elocution. 
130 Hints to Amateurs. 

MISCELLANEOUS 

215 On to Victory. Cantata, 

250 Festival of Days 

200 Cousin Johns Album, Pa 

tommies 1 

Happy Franks Songster. \ 

399 Ames' Select Kecitat 

No. I. } 

397 Mother Earth and her \ 
aial.le Daughters 

360 Ames' Series of Med 1 

Recitations and Tabltmux 
No. 1. v£ 

382 .Vines' Series of Me.: leys. 
Recitations and Panto 
mimes No. 2. 

376 Joan of Arc Drill 

371 Victim of Woman s Rights. 1 

184 Family Discipline 

186 M.v Day and Now-a-Day^ 
}> Box. Price 50 Cents 



_jfi 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

:!!!!!!!!'!!!•!!!!!! iiiii null 



HI 



015 988 383 8 & 



